It's All Weird, All the Time

1.    I had a whole bunch of ideas about what I might write today — most of them speculative, about my cat’s daytime perambulations and her dietary habits thereon — and then I ran into this story while at work and just couldn’t resist. If you’re not a clicky-the-linky sort of person, here’s a summary of the dazzling details:

    A 46-year-old man named Royce Savoy busted into a JC Penny store in Eugene by crawling up into the ceiling space, and then crashing down through the roof into the store, like some kind of cut-rate fucking Doc Ock. Cops think he was trying to steal things — though why, exactly, he felt the need to crash into a store that was open for business in order to steal from it only Mr Savoy himself knows.

    It’s unclear if he stole anything — he was seen by one employee and left a trail of clothes strewn behind him as he walked quickly out of the store — but one thing is clear: he wasn’t done for the night. About an hour later, he crashed through the ceiling of another business a few miles away. He was spotted, and someone called the cops, who pieced together the details of his crime spree.

    But that’s not the best part. The best part is how cops figured out what his name was. Apparently, while crouched in the ceiling of the JC Penny, waiting for his moment to strike, he put down his backpack. He forgot it there when he jumped. When he realized it was missing, MR ROYCE “MENSA” SAVOY WENT BACK TO THE JC PENNY TO ASK IF THEY HAD IT. When they said no, HE LEFT THEM HIS NAME AND PHONE NUMBER IN CASE IT TURNED UP. Apparently, Savoy realized his mistake eventually, because by the time the police found his backpack in the ceiling, he had disappeared. Nobody knows where he is now. First smart move of the whole caper, if not the most spectacular.

2. That dildo party I witnessed above 26th Ave the other day? Apparently it’s become a pandemic. Not only that, but the news as reached Austria (where the only comment is, “Witzig :) !”, apparently meaning, “How funny!”), Russia, and Indonesia (Google translates this headline as: “Hundreds excited Dildo Gelantungan in Power Cables.” Gelantungan appears to have something to do with monkeys, which could be fitting.). Guys, we’re famous!

3. I think my cat eats food left out by other people when she goes out. That’s all I was really going to say about my cat. I’m going to have to put up signs with her picture, saying, “Don’t feed this little glutton, she’s already overweight.”