Election Blues

    I’m struggling to believe that anything will ever work out right now. Some of this, I think, is chemical; I have a mental illness, and once every few years it comes around to make me feel completely numb and hopeless, to remind me of how meaningless human endeavor is and discourage me from ever doing anything. I mean, I have a chronic problem with feeling out-of-control and pessimistic, but this is another order of thing, a waking-up-feeling-awful thing, an inability-to-get-pleasure-out-of-anything thing, a hate-myself-all-the-time thing, a nothing-will-ever-change thing. Now and again I have a spell that lasts a day or two, but it’s much rarer that the mood comes and stays for weeks on end. For whatever reason, that’s what’s been going on with me the last three or four weeks. Every night I go to bed and hope the following day will be better; every morning I wake up and it isn’t. Though I know, intellectually, that eventually it will wear off, it can be hard to see the end of it from inside.

    There may in fact be some causes beyond the chemical, though. I’ve been trying to write something about the election, about the way it’s making me and so many of the people I know feel, but every time I try to bend myself to that task I end up taking stock of where my life is, versus where it was eight years ago, when the current President was first elected. It’s not that my life is worse now than it was then. It’s that it’s the same. I live alone with a cat, I’m completely flummoxed by the idea of getting a job that pays me for the thing I’m best at (writing, natch), nobody outside a very small group of people ever reads anything I create, and I’m chronically unhappy about all of it. I have made attempts to change these things and they just . . . haven’t worked. No matter what I do, I’m still me.

    I went back and read a couple of things I wrote on the eve of Barack Obama’s inauguration, a couple of really hopeful things, full of praise for the future President and praise for the system that had empowered him. When I wrote those things, I was hopeful, not only about Obama, not only about America, but about myself. The whole country had been so handicapped by racism and resentment, and yet here we were, about to show that we really could do so much better than we had. Why couldn’t I do the same thing? I imagined my life in eight years as a much better, healthier, happier, and less lonely place than it was. It all seemed possible.

    But the last eight years have been a really punishing lesson in how hard it is to change, how much remains to be done, and the dangers of changing in the wrong way — for me, and for the country. A lot of white people reacted to the election of Barack Obama by FREAKING OUT. They could not conceive of a country in which their happiness coexisted with racial equality. In fact, they couldn’t conceive of racial equality at all — attempts to encourage it, to repair the damage of racism, appeared to them to be an agenda of punishing white people for their whiteness. It was either white supremacy or white genocide. There was nothing in between. And now we have Donald Trump, their avatar, doing his fascist messiah thing, ranting madly into the sky, trying to destroy America in the name of saving it. Given the myriad ways in which careful attention to current events will remind an observer that white supremacy is alive and well in the laws and institutions of the United States, it’s frightening and discouraging to see it thriving so brightly in the hearts of the country’s citizens.

    And me? I sometimes feel like my attempts to get better have made me much worse. I went to graduate school, an elite one, which had been a goal of mine for a long time — and while there, I had a comprehensive mental breakdown, a total loss of perspective and self-awareness that left me on the verge of failing out, drinking my days away in an attempt to feel anything other than sadness and shame, sleeping very little, leaving my apartment almost never, abandoning the meager friendships I’d managed to forge there. The me who walked out of that experience was much more damaged, much farther from hope and happiness, than the me who wrote soaringly of the man and country I was so fleetingly so proud of all those years before. It’s now been two years since I got my degree, and aside from the rush of relief I experienced upon leaving a city that I hated and program I felt I had squandered, not much has changed. I’ve struggled to get better, and for a while it felt like I was. But as the country has descended into madness, my own has returned. Sometimes it seems like Donald Trump is an outgrowth of my own psyche, a roaring destructor I’ve designed to torment myself with. I know it’s not true, but it feels like it is.

    The day Barack Obama was elected, I cried, tears of happiness and relief. My entire adult life to that point had been lived in the Orwellian nightmare of the George W Bush administration, which began with a stolen election and ended with a shattered economy, and I was just . . . I was aghast that something good might happen. The day he leaves office I suspect I may cry again, even if his replacement isn’t the screaming madman on the Republican ticket. It’s not because I think Hillary Clinton is such a terrible replacement — she seems perfectly capable, to me — but because the years that intervened have all been thrown away, wasted on reactionary recrimination, siphoned off from a life that we all only get to live but the one time. What a terrible shame it is, to dispose of your time on this planet in such a way.

Track This, Buddy

1. The Feeling

    There were a couple of times this weekend when I had to stop, pull my head out of the fetid waters of Twitter, and look around. Remember this, I thought. Nothing like this is ever going to happen again. It’s easy to miss remarkable things because you’re so caught up in them. They wash over you and you find yourself remembering that they happened, but not how you experienced them.

    I don’t know about you, but I experienced the last two weeks, the two weeks during which it seemed like Donald Trump could no longer contain the weight of his ego and history of bad behavior, as an addict’s lapse — in more ways than one, if I’m completely honest. I had been trying to turn down the volume on the election, to quit screaming about it, to release my minute-by-minute hanging on it, largely because I knew: (A) who I was going to vote for, and (B) there was nothing I could do beyond that. Spending all my time fretting and talking and getting into vicious twitter wars with Trump trolls and emailing my congressman and shoveling money into Hillary Clinton’s coffers and pleading with people younger than me to understand the grave consequences that can come of thinking of your vote as an act of personal expression rather than a choice — no value. I had to get away from it. So I had shut down my Twitter account, unsubscribed from 538’s newsletter, made sure I quit going to the Washington Post’s website the instant I woke up in the morning.

    But then the bombshell about Trump’s taxes, which seemed like enough to effectively end this campaign, and I was back at the Post every morning, and checking 538 fifteen times a day to see Trump’s odds swooning. And then . . . The Tape. It was too good. I had to know more. I logged back in to Twitter. And I sank right in, like an addict in relapse. It felt comfortable to be here, with news ping-ping-pinging off my eyes, as the last artifice of Donald Trump’s campaign fell away, and all but the most deluded and committed could no longer deny who and what he was: a villain, pure and simple, uncomplicated by any moral impulse and unchecked by the experience of living a real life.

    And it was then that I looked up and tried to take a breath. It was a cool, drizzly day in early October. It was just after the one-year anniversary of the day I temporarily crippled myself while running. I was halfway between my thirty-sixth and thirty-seventh birthdays. The leaves in my neighborhood had begun to take on the hues of ripe apples. I had a bit of a backache and appeared to be pulling out of a mercifully brief bout of soul-killing depression. Perhaps not coincidentally, I had spent the last week drinking too much, in a way that I hadn’t done in more than a year. There was a whole world going on everywhere around me. And — and — this incredibly important thing was happening: our nation’s fliration with a demagogue appeared to be ending, because we’d finally figured out what a creep he was. Nobody knows how big the blowout’s going to be, and nobody knows what the aftermath will be like. I’m honestly not very hopeful about it. But the worst case scenario had been narrowly averted. I tried to breathe in and feel what that was like.

 

2. Right Track / Wrong Track

    I’m not going to do any virtue-signaling about locker-room talk, or try to tell you anything you don’t already know about Donald Trump’s disastrous tape. We’ve all seen enough of that by now. I’d rather talk about something that’s been on my mind for the last couple of years, but which I think I finally figured out how to express this week.

    For a long time now, polls of Americans find that when they’re asked whether or not the country was on the right track or wrong track for the future, overwhelming majorities have said that it was on the wrong track. The Real Clear Politics average shows that it’s currently 33.2 points underwater, meaning that more than 60% of the country thinks it’s on the wrong track, and about 30% thinks it’s on the right track. These numbers have been quite bad since early in Obama’s tenure, cratering at under -50% back in October of 2013. Oh my God, is the standard take. What a disaster. How awful this is for Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

    To which my response is, What?

    I think the problem with that read on the situation is that it assumes a far more unified country, the country of the postwar consensus, the country that delivered 44 states to LBJ, and 49 states to Nixon, and 49 states again to Ronald Reagan, than the one that actually exists. You can ask that right track / wrong track question to four different people, and get an answer that sounds the same — “wrong track”, they say — but is actually four different answers.

    Take, for instance — well, me. If you had asked me, at any time since shortly after the Republican takeover of Congress, when it became clear that the people who now occupied the legislative branch were not just Republicans but extremist, ridiculous nutjobs, many of whom did not believe that Barack Obama was legitimately the President of the United States and had no committment to governing or leadership, if I thought the country was on the right track or the wrong one, I would have said, Wrong, wrong, wrong wrong wrong. I would still say it today, because, though the disaster has been averted, there’s still a huge chunk of the electorate who has been so comprehensively lied to that they’re going to start the new administration believing that the President belongs in prison, and will vote for congresspeople who tell them that. I am a classic Obama coalition voter, of one kind: I’ve lived almost my whole life in big cities; I have an advanced degree; I was 28 years old the first time he was elected — your basic, technocratic, neoliberal, lefty elite. But I think this country is going to hell in a handbasket, because the right is doing all it can to drag it down there, mostly out of delusion and spite.

    But then you ask someone like my late uncle, an unreconstructed small-town fatcat, the kind of guy who may never have known a person of color personally in his whole life, and he would have given you the very same wrong track response, but for utterly different reasons — because the country’s president was a unrepentantly left-wing urbanite who didn’t understand that what was best for business is best for America, and who mostly wanted to give away free stuff to people who really, when you thought about it, just needed to go get a job. (Nevermind that most of this is false, that kind of belief was genuine, and unshakeable.) I don’t know if my uncle had an opinion on Trump, but he had a lot of opinions about Democrats, and anybody who was going to cut his taxes was someone he liked. He and I hold opposing views on nearly every economic issue, and many social ones, too. But we agree that the country is on the wrong track.

    And then you get into territory where I’m mostly guessing, because I only know what I’ve read. If you asked a 60-year-old black woman who fears that her son and grandson can be murdered with impunity by police, would she tell you the country’s on the right track, or the wrong one? If you ask an Egyptian-American who attends a mainstream mosque but had their car spraypainted with a racial slur last week, would they say the country’s on the right track, or the wrong track? If you ask a 19-year-old white kid from southern Missouri who has little more than a burgeoning Vicodin addiction to his name and not much prospect of getting more, would he say the country’s on the right track, or the wrong track? If you asked 30-something mom from Phoenix whose parents are immigrants from Mexico and have to watch Donald Trump on the news every night, would she say the country’s on the right track, or the wrong track?

    This list goes on and on, and it renders the question completely useless. Some of these people might actually have genuine reasons to believe that the country is getting better, though at that point I think maybe you’re just measuring people’s inborn optimism or pessimism. The question has no value. I think it has basically no bearing on this election and never would have done, because we, as a nation, can’t even agree on what the problems are, let alone what the solutions to those problems might be.

    Okay, rant over.

Flop

1.

You start to feel it coming days before it actually hits. It’s a hard feeling to describe — it feels like your brain has the flu, that it’s feverish, alternately running too hot and then shuddering with cold. You find yourself cancelling stuff, saying no to things, and after a little while you realize that you’ve lost a couple of days and some of the things that have slipped were less in the nature of occasions and more in the nature of responsibilities. A bill you forgot to pay, though you had the money to do it. A change you need to make in a project that you keep not making, though you know it would take only minutes.

Email becomes a source of trouble, and the phone. Mirrors are bad, too — anything that reminds you who you are. The bed becomes a crucible; you lie in it at night, mind swirling with nonsense thoughts, dread of your impending death, the sensation that your life has spun away from you and you don’t know how to get it back — and then when you do sleep, it’s poorly, perhaps sleepwalking or shouting yourself awake in the night, and you wake up well before dawn with a crushing feeling of being alone.

Maybe you try to cure it with booze, but that just makes it worse. Maybe you use exercise, but three steps into your jog you’re already tired and don’t care. You know that going into the world and seeing people would help, but you can’t think of a single one you’d like to see. The day unfolds silently, grayly, until after a while you go back to bed, and eventually you find yourself lying there, joylessly listening to podcasts or trying to read, and it dawns on you: Oh, you think, I’m depressed again. Somehow, though it’s happened so many times before, you almost didn’t notice it happening this time.

And you wonder how long it will last. Seems likely to be forever.

 

2.

One of the difficulties with therapy is, I think, that there’s a way in which therapists believe — they have to believe — that there is a cause-and-effect nature to the human psyche, that all actions are traceable to other actions, that depressions are caused by things, specific things that you’ve done or which have happened to you. And I’m just not sure I believe that’s true. Years ago I became obsessed with the idea of apophenia, or the human tendency to detect patterns in random data; it is, far and away, the most important principle to keep in mind when trying to wade through the various hobbyhorses and cognitive biases that drive most human discourse. And I can’t help but feel, on some really deep level, that therapy is just apophenia being applied haphazardly to the human brain, which we already don’t understand very well.

What happens before I become depressed? Is it caused when I finish a project and don’t have a new one to work on? Maybe it’s the advent of autumn, with its shortish gray days and dire warnings of what winter will bring. Could it be breakups? Stress? Binge drinking? Spending too much time alone? Failure to get exercise? Some chemical in my brain that just goes AWOL every now and again? I can’t tell you, really. All of those are plausible given the various events that have preceded past episodes. I suspect, however, that there may be no proximate cause at all. It just happens sometimes. My ability to feel goes on the fritz and after awhile I’m back in the bed with Terry Gross blabbing in my ear.

The one thing that therapy has done is help me to recognize when it’s starting, even if I don’t recognize the cause. I can trace this one back to last Thursday, when I made up a bullshit excuse not to go to a show I’d been looking forward to all summer, and instead spent the evening watching baseball and playing video games by myself. The next day was the brain-fever day, the day spent quaking with nameless dread over what might happen when the sun went down, and then the insomnia, the parasomnia, and the dreams. In my dreams I am always less lonely than in life.

So today I’m trying to force myself to break out of it, to adapt, and hope that by engaging in the things I enjoy when I’m not sick, I can treat the symptoms of my illness. I will get a haircut. I will go running. I will close the door to my bedroom and not go back in there until night. I will not cancel my plans this evening. And I will try, very, very hard, not to be glum, sarcastic, and mean to the people I meet. And maybe, just maybe, we’ll bring the nose up on this diving plane.

When the Summer Comes Undone

1.

If you come to find out who you are

May you find out, may you find out who you are

And if you come to search for what is lost

May you find it, may you find it at any cost

— Kevin Morby, “Parade”

 

2.

    A few days ago I woke up at 5.30 in the morning and the sun wasn’t up yet, which sounded a melancholy note that has continued to ring through the rest of the week. Everywhere there were signs that this summer, which has been remarkably short and fitful in Portland, was on the wane: Galen Rupp took bronze in the Olympic men’s marathon, marking the end of the games; a feverish hot spell broke and collapsed into another cool, marine afternoon; I began to ponder with idle dread the pending season of storm and malaise. In a month the trees will be burning with autumn. In another month the rain will be falling with its insistent hiss. Time, that gyre, tumbles on.

    Just now I walked by an apartment I walk by nearly every day. Every day, I walk by this apartment and look in to see a cheerful old boxer dog, his lower jaw thrust out under his jowls, happily watching the street and waiting for his people to return home from work. Sometimes I place a finger against the glass and he will raise a tentative paw to test the boundary between us; we are, in our strange way, friends. But just now I walked by that window and looked inside and my friend wasn’t there. Neither was the couch he usually sits on, or the radio that burbles in the background, or the bikes that idle against the wall. It seems my friend has moved away, taking his people with him. It felt abrupt, unfitting, like a song that ends halfway through its last verse: couldn’t they have waited until fall to go away? That would have made more sense.

    I never spoke to his people, though I used to see them out walking my friend around the neighborhood most days. I always felt a little embarrassed when that happened, as if they knew that many afternoons I peered into their apartment with the intensity of a peeping Tom. I wanted to preemptively tell them that it was just that I like their dog. But is that any less weird, really?

 

3.

 

 

4.

    My brothers and I made a decision this morning that’s making all the melancholy a little more intense. Years ago now, our parents moved out of the neighborhood where we grew up, and back to Bend, the town where my mother grew up.* Two of us boys were living out of state, and we were unused to spending Thanksgiving and other landmarks without our parents there. Between the three of us, we had enough money to buy a little two-bedroom condo on the west end of town, at the base of a big hill beneath the college. We painted its walls bright red and named it “Thunder Canyon”, with the silly logic of long fraternal understanding — meaning I can’t really tell you why, anymore. It was just a 1000-square-foot condominium in a block of other condominiums. But the name stuck.

*It’s actually only sort of the town where my mother grew up, anymore. Back in the 50s and 60s it was a little logging community with 12,000 or so wind-blasted souls clinging to the eastern edge of the Cascades there; now it’s a tourist bonanza, bloated to nearly 90,000, with almost all of that growth coming in the last 20 years. It is, she says, more or less unrecognizable, except the house out on Neff Road that her father so inelegantly designed and had built to hold his brood of eight.

    Over the years we had a lot of good times there. When we first had the place, a little giddy with the thrill of ownership, we half-wrote and kind-of-filmed a sitcom about the three of us living there, in which I was cast as the oppressive, straight-laced older brother that (believe it or not) I actually kind of was when we were kids. We watched parts of two World Cups there, and cooked frittatas for every extended family Xmas party, and smoked countless cigarettes on countless drunken nights by the barbecue. It provided safe haven when life turned weird: when I discovered that I almost could not tolerate to be in Minnesota for more than a few months at a time, it was where I returned to lick my wounds and feel the sun on my face. It was the place where I finished my novel. It was where I did altitude training for a marathon. It was the last place I saw my now-dead foster brother happy.

    But we decided this morning to sell it. We’ve been talking kind of idly about it for a year or two, as the housing market in Bend has recovered from the recession and become blistering hot. There are a lot of other factors — for one, our parents moved out to the country, and one can no longer walk from our place to theirs — but that’s really the bulk of it. You know, one tries to be cold and rational about an issue that really just boils down to stuff, but as I was packing up to leave it this morning, I realized that I’d probably just spent my last summer evening there, that for the last time I’d returned from a long run slicked with sweat and stained with thin bruises of dirt — that, to some degree, the place I’d thought of as home was not going to be mine anymore. That’s fine, I guess. I’ve been trying to change a lot over the last year or so, with a surprising amount of success, and one of the things that change has meant is that I didn’t really need a place where I could go hide from the world anymore. It had just become an excuse to be less than I am, to bathe in nostalgia and memory in a way that wasn’t entirely constructive in the long run.

    I once told a friend of mine that I think I get melancholy and joy mixed up sometimes. Mornings like this one are why that happens. I mean, I was leaving home. But what might I find beyond its walls?

The View from My Window

    I quit Facebook in part because I hoped it would help turn down my political temperature, which had been on the verge of reaching a boil. And then the guns began to fire — guns fired by cops, a gun fired at cops. I suppose, in one respect, it worked, because I have been able to follow the events without the need intensely to discuss them; I know what happened, I know what I think, and I suspect I know what’s being said by a certain set of American society, but I’ve prevented myself from being subjected to it, for the most part. I’m vaguely aware that there are some who are declaring that a race war has begun. I’m sure that some believe that the violence between police and the policed — especially the black policed — has become a war, too. But I haven’t seen the words on the page, and somehow the imagination makes me less angry than the fact.

    What worries me, though, is even though I’ve disengaged with the online discussion of the week’s events, my head is still populated with the voices of people that I’ve come to think of, in no uncertain terms, as enemies. They’re angry at me, for being a coastal elite, for being a neoliberal sellout, for being an avatar of white guilt, for trying to take their guns away, for looking down my nose when we speak, for not giving a shit what happens between the Snake and the Allegheny? It’s nothing to how angry I can become at them. I fantasize about committing violence against a faceless other who sometimes seems to blame for society’s ills. That this other is, to me, a bunch of white people who voted for tax cutters and police pushers, rather than a bunch of Mexican immigrants or urban black people, doesn’t change the fact that I default to the same thinking that I find so objectionable in others, just with the symbols changed. If we substituted something racially neutral for the words white and black, something politically neutral for the words conservative and liberal, then you can see that the logical operations I’m performing are no different. It disturbs me that my instincts run in such recognizably dangerous patterns.

    Look, if you’ve read this blog, you know what I think, though I suppose I should lay it out.

(1) First and foremost, that the Dallas shooter was an insane person whose motivations were dressed in the clothing of race war but were not caused by the actions of Black Lives Matter or other social justice movements.

(2) That the problem of gun violence is a problem of guns far more than it is a problem of violence.

(3) That there is and should be no war between races, or between any specific race and the police.

(4) That if such a war were to exist, the police and the people who empowered them to kill fired the first shots.

(5) But that “who fired the first shots” is a natural but destructive worry that only perpetuates violence and makes it feel infinite and inevitable — cf Israel & Palestine, Ireland & the United Kingdom, Pakistan & India.

(6) That these problems are soluble. France and Germany had war for hundreds of years, including two wars far more destructive than almost anybody alive today can truly fathom.

(7) That openness and space-sharing is as close as we have to a solution.

(8) That acclimation, rather than assimilation, should be the goal.

    And I can write these things, and they sound good, upstanding, right, and (let’s face it) nice; but still I have my tribe — the tribe of the urban, the left, the multiculty, the socialist, the skeptical, etc — and when my tribe is threatened I am reduced to just another slavering example of homo sapiens sapiens, troubled by difference, angry, potentially dangerous if threatened. I am, after all, a person, and sometimes that’s not such a good thing.

    This has been a hard few years. I think I know where the blame lies. But so what if I do, if all I do with blame is turn friends into enemies, humans into nonhumans, strangers into targets?

Spring is Angry / OJ Simpson: Made in America

1.

    Spring has been having a final temper tantrum before maturing into full summer of late. Back in May we had a string of 90-degree days that fooled a lot of people, including me, into thinking that summer had come early. Instead it began again to rain, and we all retreated inside, to gaze wistfully out windows at wet streets. It has been a weird, temperamental few weeks, and when the sun does manage to muscle its way through the clouds the air quickly grows hot, so that there’s no way to appropriately dress for the weather — either one swelters in a raincoat, and comes home damp with sweat; or one goes without, and comes home completely drenched. There is no solution.

    Some days I walk along the backstreets of my neighborhood and think how fortunate I am to live in a place of such temperate salubrity, one that smells of trees and mud, where the sun shines all summer and then politely retreats to allow us all to receive the succor of rain again. Were it not for our long, glum winters, with their days so short and gray that they feel like the night has only been temporarily distracted and soon will turn its dark glare on us once more, none of this would be possible. Our green pleasant valleys would run dry and hard in summer, as they have begun to do in California. But then, when spring refuses to go, when it teases me with summer only to throw another thundery fit in June, I think, This might be too much for me.

    But now, like a hungry child who has just been fed, spring’s mood seems to be lifting. They say the sun will come out tomorrow. May it stay for a good long time.

 

2. 

    Early in my freshman year of high school, health class was interrupted one day when Mr Summerfeld wheeled a television into the classroom on a cart and tuned it to the local news. They were showing the inside of a wood-paneled courtroom, where a handsome, middle-aged man sat with a battery of lawyers. As we watched, the man and his lawyers stood and faced a jury — off-camera, represented only by a somewhat hesitant woman’s voice, reading into a microphone — who declared him not guilty of two murders. The man was OJ Simpson, of course. I wish I could tell you what the broader reaction in the room was like, but given that it was a group of white, Catholic teenagers, probably shock. I do remember my friend Nick saying, I think he was guilty, but I was hoping he would get off. Nick was a libertarian.

    I had half-watched most of the trial with a vague feeling of disgust that would turn out to be the seed of a lot of how I continue to react to celebrity culture, more than two decades later. I’d never seen Simpson play football, I didn’t care about his commercials, I didn’t much like the Naked Gun movies. I found the way my parents were mesmerized by it — in memory, the bulk of every day that summer had been spent with one or the other of them fixed on the TV screen — completely baffling and kind of gross. I had no inkling of the way in which Simpson was a particularly bizarre nexus through which the drama of race and white supremacy in America might play out. Mostly I was annoyed by it.

    That said, I do remember where I was during the famous White Bronco Chase. I had walked over to my friend Sean’s house one afternoon the previous spring, and when we got there, his dad — a balding, overweight man I’d always found a little bit hard to understand — was sitting on a couch in their front room, watching the thing unfold on television. Sean and I stood behind the couch with him, and though we kept meaning to leave, neither one of us quite could. Though I was already heartily sick of the Simpson drama by that point, there was something truly bizarre about a man driving at legal speeds, followed by an armada of police cars. And so it truly is a marker of my life, whether I like it or not.

    Last weekend, without quite realizing I was doing it, I binged on all 8 hours of Ezra Edelman’s OJ Simpson: Made in America, which situates the trial snugly in the context of Simpson’s life and the experience of black Americans, especially in Los Angeles, where it came on the heels of decades of police brutality, militarized law enforcement, and unaccountability for cops — none of which had done much of anything to make the community safer. Only two years earlier, the city had erupted in violence and protest when a group of white officers, who had been videotaped delivering a beat-down to a black man named Rodney King, were acquitted of all charges associated with the attack. This was all stuff that I either (A) didn’t know about or (B) wasn’t quick enough on the uptake enough to draw the lines between, at least not when I was 14 years old. To see it laid out so starkly in Edelman’s film transformed something I’d always found distasteful and dull into something fascinating, a way of looking at race in America that I’d never quite tapped into before.

    Simpson had gone out of his way to ingratiate himself with white people, both in public and in private — early in his athletic career, when black Olympians sought his solidarity in a move to boycott the 1968 Olympic games, he’d told them, “I’m not black, I’m OJ.” The line is repeated several times in the documentary, and for some of the people interviewed in the film, it clearly says something very poignant about his character — both the compromises he made to get the kind of success he wanted, and how blinkered he was about what that success meant. Simpson spent a lot of time shedding the outer markers of his blackness, including the black woman he’d married as a young man (though, interestingly, not necessarily his friends from that period), so that he could feel accepted in a world of wealth, glamour, and fame, which was largely the purview of white people. And once he made it in, he thought he was in forever. It’s clear that OJ became profoundly megalomaniacal and entitled, especially after he retired from sports and became mostly an actor and TV personality. It’s also clear that, by doing so, he was playing with fire in a way that a white counterpart might not have been.

    When he murdered his wife — and let’s be clear here, he murdered his wife, verdicts and conspiracy theories aside — he suddenly became something other than every white person’s favorite black guy. And his defense team ran with that, and more or less convinced a majority-black jury that he was being railroaded by a racist conspiracy direct by a largely white power structure. There were clearly some black people who were uncomfortable with that: some of the people interviewed in the doc (I wish I could remember their names, but I watched it in a huge block six days ago, so a lot of those have faded from my memory now) clearly view Simpson, not only as an imperfect vessel for such a defense, but as the least perfect possible vessel for such a defense. Many, though, were fine with it. Simpson, though he’d made a career in part out of attempting to erase his blackness, was still black, and black people had still been routinely (not to say ritually) abused by Los Angeles police for decades. I have to say, if I try to put myself in the shoes of black folks who didn’t believe OJ was guilty, who believed that he was the victim of a conspiracy of corrupt cops aiming to string up the most famous black man in America the same way they’d been doing to non-famous black people for generations, I would probably have agreed. This is the way that systematic white supremacy gets etched on people’s souls. If you are born with it, and live with it, why should you ever expect it not to function how it always has?

    When OJ was acquitted, he tried to return to Brentwood and live the glamorous he always had — but found that doors that had previously been open to him were slammed shut. On the one hand, one imagines that might have happened to anybody who had so publicly been the beneficiary of a bad verdict. But what happened to OJ was clearly tinged with the ugliest, most-secret racial instincts that people hold. There would never be the benefit of the doubt, and OJ was completely ostracized. The film makes the case that OJ, in some degree, rediscovered his blackness after his acquittal, because he received no quarter from white people.* At a certain point, OJ’s life became a bizarre form of self-parody, as he began to hang around with various leeches and lowlifes who seemed mostly interested in his fame, diminished though it may have been, and wealth, which appears to have survived a civil suit in which he was held liable for the deaths of his wife and her friend, Ronald Goldman, who Simpson also murdered. Then, eventually, it became a bizarre, Kafkaesque tale of a man who gets away with one crime, and so is destroyed for one he didn’t commit — when OJ and a group of flunkies tried to retrieve some memorabilia from a dealer who had more or less stolen the stuff from Simpson, a comedy of errors led to Simpson’s arrest and eventual conviction for kidnapping, among other things. If Simpson weren’t Simpson, it seems highly unlikely he would have been put in prison at all. Instead, he received 33 years, which — given that he’s in his 60s now — is tantamount to a life sentence. It is hard not to read this as white America getting revenge on Simpson for murdering two white people, at least to me.

*This is also an argument for the idea that OJ is a classic sociopath, though of course there’s no way of knowing that without actually knowing the man.

    The most disturbing scenes in the film, at least to me, surround Simpson’s acquittal for murder. We see footage of Simpson and his lawyers embracing; we see black folks jubilant that he is free; we see white people and black people screaming at each other on the street. But really, the images that trouble me are the images of white people weeping at Simpson’s acquittal, as though what happened in the case had anything to do with them — as though this were some kind of team sport. Sure, Simpson’s acquittal was a miscarriage of justice. He murdered two people and got away with it. But miscarriages of justice happen every day, and this one — other than the notoriety of the defendant — was no greater, and was in fact much lesser, than many of them. A guilty man went free. I’m not going to argue that that’s a good thing. But is it worth our tears? Guilty men go free every day. And, worse — far worse — innocent people are put away every day. Do we weep for them? Or do we only cry for beautiful white people killed by famous black people? Yeah, I thought so.

    I suppose some people would accuse me of having “white guilt” over this, but I actually think that I’ve come to feel much less guilt as I’ve come to think harder about a lot of this stuff; instead, what I feel is a clarifying empathy. OJ: Made in America is rife with scenes that filled me with rage, as they showed the ways in which systematic white supremacy is etched on all of us, daily: the overwhelming whiteness of the police force; the condescension of white lawyers for black jurors; the gross way in which Simpson is praised, essentially, for seeming white. I find it unsurprising, but simultaneously somehow astonishing, that so many white Americans are unable to perceive this, to even guess at how they would feel if the tables were turned.

    But now we’re getting close to me just saying, I’m such a good person, why are other people such bad people? And that’s gross. I’m not going to do that. Anyway, you should watch OJ Simpson: Made in America. I saw it on ESPN’s mobile app, Watch ESPN, though I assume you can see it on the intertubes or even — weird — your television.

Rage

    So I didn’t put anything on social media about my thoughts going out to the victims of the Pulse shooting, and I didn’t change my profile picture, and I didn’t write about it the day it happened. There are a lot of reasons why not — that such gestures feel disingenuous to me was a lot of it — but the chief one, the one I feel right now, the one I felt last night as I sat in a bar reading a book and imagining what it would be like if someone walked through the front door and blew the head off the nice-seeming hipster next to me, is that all I have is completely and totally impotent rage. The impotence and the rage go hand-in-hand: the former wouldn’t feel so terrible without the latter; the latter wouldn’t exist without the former. They are the parents of my silence.

    Maybe later in the week I’ll find something cogent to say about the way the fetishization of the founders and Scalia-ization of how we read the Constitution has turned the American right into a death cult more dedicated to lethal toys than sane regulation or living in world not completely diamond-plated in fantasies both dark and light; maybe I’ll pile stats upon stats, make an argument, worry less about how little will change, how nobody who matters will hear, and how it doesn’t even matter if they do — because the most important and powerful people in the world, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, already agree, and yet we are held hostage by the vile fantasies of a collection of venal, small, pathetic weaklings who imagine that their guns make them John Wayne, and that their exclusive desire to fuck women and only women makes them the arbiters of what is right and whole and good; they believe that those who neither tote guns nor participate in their oppressive fertility rituals really, on some level, are just borrowing our lives from them anyway, so who gives a fuck if a bunch of fags in some fag club get shot up? Maybe one day I’ll operationalize this feeling, but for now, all I know is that I would like to hit somebody, hard, and let them know that they deserve it as I do it. I won’t — I never have — but for the love of God I would like to. This murder could stop, if the venal and evil motherfuckers who refuse to stop it truly believed that people who are not like them were human. But it fucking doesn’t, because they fucking don’t, and fuck them all right in their smug fucking faces for it.

    This hits on every note in a chord of rage for me, fortissimo, because my family has been forever altered by the fact that my mentally ill foster brother owned a gun, a gun he used to murder his child and then himself; because I have been writing about, striving for, and just really yearning for gay rights since I was 13 years old; because those on the right who wish to pretend that this is not their fault have turned this into an almost literal crusade against those they consider alien again, talking about “radical Islam” as though any of this could be separated from the homophobia and gun fetishization that they preach on a daily basis; because, in a way that isn’t true of a grade school or a college campus or a military base, this is somewhere that I could easily have been, because that kid texting with his mother could have been me, because the dead lying on the ground might have been my friends, gone, erased by a murder machine purchased legally and deployed exactly as it was designed to be employed.

    Fuck it. In the way of the impotently rageful I have no conclusion, nothing useful to add. I just haven’t been right in more than a day. I’ve been edgy and impolite to strangers. I broke my smoke detector when it went off while I was cooking dinner, because I was so angry. This is over. These are my days of rage.

Neighborhood Landmarks

1. House Full of Hippies

    There’s a house on the street that dead-ends against the alley behind my building that is just chock-full of hippies. This is interesting to me, because it’s a relic of a time before this neighborhood started gentrifying, when its hundred-year-old bungalows could be profitably rented out to working class people; up on the hill, where my building is, the gentrification is complete, and four-bedroom houses go for three quarters of a million dollars — but down the hill, where some of the streets aren’t paved or don’t have sidewalks, that’s not true yet. And so there’s a tumbledown orange house that always has shirtless dudes and dreadlocked chicks hanging out on the porch, smoking cigarettes and spliffs, working on old vans, talking about nothing, smiling more than seems rational, and waving at anybody who walks by. If one were to taxonomize these hippies, they appear to be of the huge-jeans, neon-torch, all-night-rave variety, rather more than banjos-and-acid variety or the urban-organic-tomato variety.

    The presence of hippies is Portland’s true valence; though the place is stereotyped these days as a haven for skinny jeans, Buddy Holly glasses, ironic sundresses, striped socks, and bad moustaches — and those are here in quantity — these can be found in almost any coastal city anymore. No, what makes Portland different to Seattle or Oakland or Brooklyn or Boston (aside from a distinct lack of tech douches) is that its counter-culture roots are showing, as the dropouts and weirdos who washed up here during the Nixon administration have long attracted fellow travelers to come here, hang out in backyards, sell junky trinkets at the Saturday Market, loudly play Barry McGuire on street corners, and generally not be hassled by anyone. Even when I was a kid, when Portland was a little city with a high proportion of rednecks, our ethos of not hassling people attracted hippies, and hippies remain at the foundation of a lot of Portland’s self-image: they’re why every food truck advertises its locavore friendliness, why bikes take prominence over cars on many urban streets, and why, to this day, young people move here figuring they’ll just make it work, find some like-minded people to flop with, apply to every job listing on Craigslist, and not worry too much about stuff.

    There’s a lot of anxiety in Portland right now that the no-hassle ethos is going the way of the dodo, and that we’re going to go corporate and lose our souls — that Portland is going to turn into San Francisco. I get that, I do; I drove by my old house in Sellwood yesterday and one of the neat little bungalows across the street had been knocked over and replaced with one of the cookie-cutter monstrosities that are taking over a lot of the neighborhoods on the east side. It was horrible. But I also think that things change, or they die; I think that Portland’s instincts contradict (if we’re so green, why are we so against building denser, better-engineered housing?); I think the core conservatism of many people who fancy themselves extremely liberal is a symptom of a broken movement. Realism isn’t a notable quality of Portland.

    Anyway, my neighborhood still has a house full of hippies, and around the corner there are a few more, the kinds of places that don’t get painted very often and always have people out on the porch. If there’s a way to keep that, I’m okay with it.

 

2. Pocket Park

    A few blocks from the house full of hippies is a little tiny park in the middle of the block on a sleepy residential street, about as wide as two houses and stretching from 27th to 28th under the shade of some big elm trees. This park is key to understanding my neighborhood.

    Back in mid-century America, there was a frenzy for building freeways, as white people moved to the suburbs in droves, leaving behind poorer and more ethnically diverse neighbors who often didn’t have the political clout to keep their houses from being bulldozed to service the fleeing middle class. In Portland, I-5 was driven right through the heart of the city’s traditionally black neighborhoods on the north end of town, and I-205 carved through the poorer outskirts of southeast. A planned downtown-to-Gresham freeway would have gone straight up Division Street, the main drag in my part of town. The city got as far as buying out certain older houses and bowling them over, with it in mind that these spots would one day be where the struts that supported the freeway would go. Most people assumed that this was a fait accompli, and for years the neighborhood decayed, as property values plummeted and many places became derelict. The spot where my own building sits was once four big houses; you can see on either side what they must have looked like, because the ones that remained were eventually renovated and restored, and hang there like architectural ghosts.

    Then, in the early 70s, a bunch of idealistic young U of O grads teamed up with pissed-off neighbors and managed to put a match to the freeway plans. The story is long and interesting and I had once intended to do a radio piece about it but got distracted; anyway, the upshot is that within a few years, Portland had a bunch of money to fund buses and trains, and this neighborhood was no longer slated for destruction. The spots that were once intended to hold up a freeway were now little scars on the city, as though the neighborhood had caught the chicken pox and not been able to resist scratching. The apartment building I live in now was built here in 1975. The pocket park was turned into a pocket park. The city was saved, thank God. This is one way in which I think the no-progress types were right; why should we have paid to build a giant road that only serviced people in Gresham? Screw that.

    The neighborhood remained dowdy and lower-middle-class for a long time after that; in anticipation that it would one day die, Division Street itself had become a string of dive bars and auto body shops; its most notable landmark — one that’s still there — was a porn theatre that served as a gathering spot for sexual adventurists and closeted gay men. It was the kind of place where a teenaged kid might be able to find a long-haired guy in an army jacket to sell him weed. But it was also the kind of place where a lesbian bar could flourish and nobody batted an eye. That’s the thing about cities, a thing that’s wondrous and disastrous all at once: dereliction provides a kind of home, a place for people to hide if they feel the need — but it can also feed on itself, and a city can die. You can (kind of) solve one problem by trying to create a society in which no one feels the need to hide. The other? Well, sometimes the patient just has cancer.

 

3. House of BBQ

    There’s a house about two blocks east of me where they barbecue every night from late April till it starts raining again in September. I don’t know the people who live there, or why they are so committed to outdoor cooking, but I thank them for it. There are few things more pleasant than walking on a hot evening beneath rustling trees obese with leaves and smelling the twinned odors of charcoal and meat; it calls on something deep in our animal brains, and lets us know that all is well, there is food, it is safe, we are surrounded by our tribe. Many nights I walk by their house before dinner, just to get myself ready, even if I’m only eating rice and beans myself. It’s a warmup, like playing catch before the game, or stretching your achilles before a jog.

 

4. My Patio above the Alley

    Upon which I sit and sing to my city.

What White People Say to their Kids about Race

    One of the things I think I have in common with a lot of other white people who grew up in liberal, mostly-white Northern cities is that my parents never said much of anything to me on the subject of race. This is, in no uncertain terms, the very definition of white privilege: as a member of an ethnic group that forms a supermajority in both your immediate area and the country as a whole, you are not asked to think about yourself as anything other than a human, and can fairly easily go about your life assuming that this is as true for all people as it is for you. I don’t think that my parents never talked to me about race because they were especially inconsiderate or thoughtless; it’s just that we lived in a place and a time that never really brought the issue to the foreground for us. On some level, of course, this is a condition of existence that white people sought, even if a lot of us would have been horrified to realize that this was what we were doing: white flight from cities like Chicago and Cleveland and New York, away from urban centers and out to suburbs, or to western cities like the one I grew up in, was couched in terms of “finding good schools” and “getting away from crime”, but in many respects it was really about cocooning ourselves away from the black folks who came north in the second Great Migration. This way, we could go on living our lives without having to bear witness to the true effects of white supremacy. In fact, kids of my age and social class more or less grew up thinking that white supremacy was an aberrative behavior sequestered safely in the actions of a few sick individuals who were now all thankfully long dead. It was rarely brought to our attention that white supremacy was alive and well and thriving in our systems, and when it was there was always some way to stave off responsibility.

    Part of the reason for this is the way we were taught about race in school, frankly. Nobody ever said to me in so many words, “Black people were oppressed in this country, but then there was the civil rights movement in the 60s and it’s all fine now,” but if I carefully examine the attitudes I walked out of high school with, I’d say that was the bulk of the message. We were showed some footage of people being hit with water from fire hoses, then a couple of speeches by Dr King, and then left to assume that black people were now happily riding at the front of the bus and tipping their caps to police officers and joining in on the American Dream. We never talked about redlining, or the how the GI bill didn’t work the same for black vets as white vets, or the way in which the draft vacuumed up black and brown teenagers in disproportionate numbers and shipped them off to fight and die in Vietnam; we were never challenged to contemplate the idea that perhaps history hadn’t ended with the passage of the Voting Rights Act; it certainly never crossed anybody’s mind that the panoply of American ethnicity comprised more than white and black, or that the goal of any person of color would be anything other than to become, more or less, an honorary white person, with whatever rights and perquisites that might entail.

    Let me tell you a little story, which might help illustrate how insidious this type of education could be. I remember getting into an argument with a friend’s girlfriend when I said something offhandedly about the Civil War having been fought over slavery. This would have been about 1997, when we were juniors in high school. Anyhow, she came over all condescending and said something like, “Do you really think that’s what it was about? It was about state’s rights.” I remember this so vividly because I had been taught a version of the same thing, and though I had intuited that it wasn’t an entirely accurate representation of what had happened, I mostly felt embarrassed: it felt like getting a question wrong on a test, which I didn’t like and rarely did. I wasn’t self-possessed enough to come back with the obvious retort, A state’s right to do what, exactly? I didn’t know enough to cite all the various ways in which the Confederate States made it clear that what they cared about most was maintaining slavery within their borders. I certainly wasn’t smart or brave enough to condemn an entire system that taught white children a lie about history in order that we might feel better about ourselves and our country. Instead, because of the ways that white supremacy had been inscribed on both of us from very early on, I ceded the point: she was probably right. You must understand that I hate to lose arguments; I hate it so much that part of the reason I remembered this incident for so long was because it felt like the only time in my whole life I had lost one. That’s how powerful received wisdom can be. Now, of course, I remember that moment for different reasons, and I’m glad that I do.* It’s important.

*Luckily for me, the way in which I think about it now also means that I retroactively won that argument! Never wrong, I tell you. Never been wrong.

    I don’t really expect or trust that American schools will ever come to tackle this subject terribly well,** meaning that one day it will be incumbent upon me to talk to my kids about race in America, in a way my parents never felt the need to. I’ll have to do this, not because my parents were bad parents, or even because I think they should have known well enough to have that kind of talk with me — if history never ends, and it doesn’t, then one of the things we need to acknowledge is that people keep learning from it as it keeps going. This is something that white people need to have learned from our experiment in running away from the issue of race in America: sequestering ourselves from it does not solve it. The reason I was taught that the racial history of America ended with Martin Luther King, I think, is that a lot of people profoundly wished it were true, and as the man said, the wish is father to the thought. If we could just convince ourselves that everything was okay now, then we could ignore the ways in which it wasn’t. Having been asked to acknowledge that people of color were human, we did so, and then many of us, fearing what such an acknowledgment might mean, tried instead largely to ignore them. We kept running the country largely by and for ourselves, and the system, through the negligence of many and the malevolence of some, continued to be a system of oppression. Albert Einstein once wrote, “The world is in greater peril from those who tolerate and encourage evil than from those who actually commit it.” This is how that happens.

**Though I do expect that they can stop teaching Lost Cause lies to kids; that’s a very low bar to jump over, even for public education.

    So, what would I say to my kids about race, what specifically? Hell, that’s a hard one. Luckily it’s something I have a lot of time to think about, given that said kids don’t even exist yet. It could even be that my kids won’t be white, in which case, some of this goes out the window. I think, first, I’d say that it’s important to be humble about it. Do not presume to know more than you do; do not make the kind of mistake that I, personally, have made many times, and think that because you’ve read a book by a black person, you are now an expert on blackness. Or being Latino, or Asian, or whatever. Second, be suspicious of happy endings, or anybody who tells you the story ended before you were born. Those people are lying to you, though they probably don’t even know it. Revolutions do not happen in this way; systems do not change overnight. When people are upset, take them at their word. Protests and riots don’t occur because people love violence (though some of them do); they happen because people can think of no other way to be heard.

    But one thing I keep coming back to, one thing that I must admit makes me uncomfortable to think about, is that white people are going to have to talk to their kids about whiteness. In the past — in the present — when white people talk about whiteness, it has usually been as a means to make explicit the system of white supremacy from which white people implicitly benefit. We all sense this system, and know it’s there; we wouldn’t be so uncomfortable talking about this if we didn’t. We wouldn’t be teaching our children a history that ends in 1965. We wouldn’t have concocted a system of shibboleths in which the n-word has more power than any other word on the planet, and racist is just about the worst thing you can be called. These are defense mechanisms, in my read, though they do at least indicate good intentions. (Also, keep in mind that I don’t think it’s a good idea for white folks to go around using the n-word willy nilly.) And I think this is the stuff white people need to talk to our kids about — not to make them feel bad, but so that they can approach the task of making the system better with honesty, and not repeat the mistakes and bad judgements that their parents and grandparents did. I mean, we all wish for the world to be a better place for our children, right? This is part of how we do that.

    The last thing I think it’ll be important to teach my kids (or the last for now, as I'm sure this list will go on mutating for a long time), one I have to remind myself of from time to time, is this: this is not a team sport. I have to remind myself of this these days when people talk about Donald Trump, and how he wins the support of white men disproportionately; this leads some people, understandably, to speaking disparagingly of white men, because Donald Trump is a fatuous gasbag, a dangerous charlatan, a liar and a villain with the mind of a criminal, and he has risen to prominence on the shoulders of a lot of people who share a lot of characteristics with me. I find myself getting defensive: Hey, I think, there are lots of different kinds of white men. Don’t put that shit on me. So I’ll have to help my kids remember: that’s a thought that almost any person who is a member of an ethnic or religious minority has had more times than you’ve remembered to put gas in your car. This is a lesson in empathy. Interrogate the ways you think about people who are different from you. Wonder why you believe what you believe. Remember that every time you feel defensive, you’re reacting to something that happens to you less than it happens to anybody else. Remember that this isn't a team sport, and every person you meet is an individual with an individuated experience.

    Anyhow, I’m not entirely certain what got me off on this jag. Originally this was going to be one of those things where I folded in a TV show and a cultural event, but it’s gotten so long now that I’m not sure there’s really a lot of space to talk about Black-ish or the death of Muhammad Ali or a police shooting in Central Oregon. What I’m really going to do now is force myself not to chicken out on posting this, I think.

I Need a Mirror on a Stick

    I need a mirror on a stick.

    Wait, let me back up. So, this morning I went to clean the catbox and discovered, to my surprise, that there was no poop in the box. None at all. I actually combed through the litter with the scoop, feeling for poop, and I just couldn’t find any. The cat has not been pooping in her box. This made me nervous, because — you may have spotted it already — that meant she’d been pooping somewhere else.

    Now, I feel I should tell you up front that Hana — that’s the cat — Hana goes outside. I know, heap your scorn and judgement upon me, I’m a terrible cat abuser who allows his cat to do her favorite thing in the world, i.e., go outside and be in it. I have a few defenses, chief of which is that Hana spent her formative years living with a very old lady who had not yet got religion on the subject of keeping your cat indoors, meaning that when she doesn’t get to go outside she becomes absolutely, maniacally fixated on getting out. She lurks the door 24/7, seeking to squirt out between my legs every time I go in or out; she yowls and scratches; one time she took a flying leap from a window that was a good 10 feet off the ground. It is her idée fixe, and she won’t be denied. But further, I think that keeping cats who want desperately to go out just locked in all the time is a symptom of our overly-safety-obsessed culture of helicopter dads and 24-hours-a-day supervision and kids not walking to school until they’re 12. Sometimes I think we’re sacrificing our pets’ quality of life for their quantity of life.

    Anyway, I’m off track. So, Hana hasn’t been pooping in her box. In reality, I think she’s probably been pooping in the barkdust at the foot of the stairs and burying it, in her prim feline way, but she’s acted out before, usually by pooping in the bathtub to let me know she isn’t too happy about having strangers around. (Every time I start dating somebody new, Hana poops in the bathtub for a week. Bet on it.) In an overreactive tizzy, I began to search for her secret pooping spot. Was it under the guest bed? (No.) In the closet? (No.) In the coat closet? Under the couch? Behind the bookshelf? (No, no, no.) And then I remembered: one of her favorite places to hide out when the scary strangers are around is in the bathroom, behind the washer and dryer.

    Let me try to paint you a picture. This bathroom is quite small — not New York small, but small enough that I can touch the east and west walls simultaneously with my elbows crooked. The entranceway is crowded: on the right hand side, the vanity, complete with a huge mirror that I’m fairly sure adds about 20 pounds. On the left, a nook, where the washer and dryer are stacked, washer on bottom, dryer on top, the whole shebang about six feet high, possibly a little more. The door opens inward and, when open, obscures the washer and dryer completely. I’m not complaining — I have an in-unit washer and dryer — but it’s a bit of a mess, in the way that apartment living always is. What Hana likes to do when there’s one of those terrifying new girls around is worm her way around the edge of the washer, and hide in the 6-8 inches of space between the washer and the wall.

The field of battle.

    Now. Let’s be clear here — I have no specific reason to believe that Hana has been pooping back there. In fact, I have a whole bunch of reasons not to believe it: the bathroom doesn’t smell like poop; she’s never done it before; she could be doing it outside; why would she poop in a place where she likes to hang out? But at about 6.30 this morning, I couldn’t convince myself that she wasn’t doing it. I tried. Believe me, I tried. I sat on the back porch with a cup of coffee and my book and I tried to have an excellent, late-spring, sun’s-just-up, it’s-gonna-be-hot-but-it’s-not-yet kind of morning I had been planning all week on having this morning. But I couldn’t concentrate on the book or the coffee or the refreshing bath of sunlight on the leaf-green hills of southeast Portland. No, I was sure that Hana was pooping behind the clothes washer.

    What happens next is a little absurd. So, first, I got my stepstool from where it lives, tucked next to one of the bookshelves (like I said, apartment living) and tried to climb up over the stacked washer and dryer and see behind it. This did not work — they were too big —, but it came thisclose to working, so I was tantalized by what might be back there, just beyond where I could see. So the first thing I did was — actually, the first thing I did was wash off the top of the dryer; it was fucking filthy. But the next thing I did was try to wedge myself sideways around the unit, the same way Hana gets in, but I’m a grown-ass man and I could barely get my shoulder in there, let alone my head or (ahem) my stomach. (Those 20 pounds the mirror adds? Literal. Your actual stomach actually swells. I swear.) No, the only solution was to go over the top. But how?

    What I needed was something that was about a foot taller than my stepstool. I looked for things to balance on the stepstool, or upon which to balance the stepstool, but there was no solid candidate that I thought would hold my weight. I glanced at the dresser, which is a surprisingly-solidly-built Ikea thing, but decided against it. This is when I thought about the mirror on the stick. If I had a mirror on the stick, I could look back there and see all the poop that Hana had been leaving. So I began looking for a mirror — you know, one of those little portable ones, like a makeup mirror or a shaving mirror? But (of course) I don’t have one of those. I don’t wear makeup, and — hey, I live in Portland, you think I spend a lot of time shaving? Yeah, no, I don’t.

    I kept finding myself drawn back to the dresser. It was exactly the right height. But it was covered in shirts that need buttons sewn back on them, and winter bundlements that I haven’t quite got around to putting away for good. And it was full of clothes. No way. Right? No way? Or maybe . . . maybe it would be fine. Maybe, in fact, it would be perfect. So I took all the stuff off of it, crammed it all in weird corners that I’ve now forgotten about (apartment living, redux), and began to slide it toward the bathroom.

    This went really well. For as long as I was on the hardwood that covers most of my apartment floor. But the bathroom is tiled with textured slate — rough, ridged, and not conducive to, you know, full-dresser-sliding. It became a sweaty, sweary, ugly game of push-and-pull as I walked my dresser, full of clothes, into the bathroom. After a while, I decided I needed to get to the other side of the dresser, but discovered that I couldn’t get around it — so I had to climb up on the vanity and kind of ape-walk into the bathroom, where I then discovered that the task wasn’t any easier from that angle. This operation took probably five minutes, but it felt like 45, especially when I tried to close the bathroom door — remember, it blocks the washer and dryer — and realized I was going to have to pull the dresser until it was practically flush with the bathtub in order to get the door closed. Then I was going to have to push it back. Then I was going to have to pull it flush with the bathtub, re-open the door, and get the thing back out onto the hardwood.

See what I mean, with the arguing?

    Did I mention that I’d decided it was paramount that I run some clothes in the dryer during this operation? Well, I had decided that, meaning that, once I got the dresser situated in front of the washer and dryer, I had to climb up on it and then lean over a molten-hot, rattling machine in order to get a look behind it. And once I did that, do you know what I found down there?

    Nothing. Some wires and a floor.

    And so you see why I need a mirror on a stick. It would save me so much trouble. And now I’m kind of curious about what’s behind the refrigerator.

Podcast Rodeo #2: Benjamen Walker’s Theory of Everything & the Auteur Theory of Audio

Podcast Rodeo is an occasional series here on TOUCHED WITH FIRE DOT AUDIO in which I muse on one of the 44 podcasts (the actual, current number) that I subscribe to.

The logo of Ben Walker's Theory of Everything. I find it very cool.

1. In Which Are Discussed Gilmet and Radiotopia, Their Differences

    Last time here on Podcast Rodeo, we talked about Gimlet Media’s flagship show, StartUp, and its growing pains. Gimlet was launched in the late summer / early fall of 2014, and rapidly became the gold standard of for-profit podcasting networks, hosting not only the popular (if artistically somewhat lost) StartUp, but also Reply All (a personal favorite), Mystery Show, and several other much-downloaded offerings. I have no idea if Gimlet impresario Alex Blumberg is getting rich off of it, but it appears to support his burgeoning family in New York City, and they’re hiring new people all the time. (Despite several applications, I have never been one of these hires. I never really expected to be, though.)

    The world of narrative audio — which is pretty much what Gimlet does — there is one personage, and one show, that hovers ever-present behind every discussion: Ira Glass, and his ever-changing, mould-shattering, first-of-its-kind show, This American Life. TAL pioneered the style that dominates narrative audio storytelling: casual, music-rich, accessible, funny. Glass, with his nasally, very Baltimore and very Jewish voice, did not sound like the other people on public radio; he stuttered his lines, had an essayist’s eye for detail, was unafraid to laugh or go on the air with bronchitis or come off as less than authoritative. It can be hard to understand how unusual this was back in the mid-late 90s, when TAL first came on the air, because Glass made it part of his mission to get unusual voices on the air. Early regulars included Sarah Vowell, whose nasal, girlish voice is so odd she eventually lent it to a Pixar character; David Sedaris, whose lispy, faintly southern speech was unapologetically homosexual in its affect; and Scott Carrier, whose haunted monotone was by far the biggest influence on my own radio line readings.* Spiritual heirs include Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me’s Peter Sagal; Live Wire’s Luke Burbank; Snap Judgement’s Glynn Washington; Invisibilia’s Alix Spiegel (a TAL alum) and Lulu Miller; and Radiolab’s Jad Abumrad. In short, without Glass and his show, the world of audio we know now just doesn’t exist. We are all kicking against its pricks and stealing its tricks.

*Not to brag, but I actually have a classic radio voice, and my Carrier imitation is actually a method of making myself sound less authoritarian and intimidating.

    I mention this here not only because Blumberg’s Gimlet shows are the clearest progeny of TAL’s revolution — Blumberg himself might be the Glassiest radio host other than Glass himself, but other shows on the network are hosted by other TAL alums, and Blumberg has clearly decided to coöpt his former show’s breezy, upbeat style (one, in fairness, he helped create) and use it to make relatable, listenable output that will keep his company profitable. I mention it also because I want to talk about another network, one that is home to many of podcasting’s most self-consciously artful and challenging listens: Radiotopia, which launched a couple of months before Gimlet. The thing is, Radiotopia is home to a bunch of great shows, and it resists Gimlet’s tendency to make all of its shows sound the same, and it has several creators who not only had nothing to do with TAL but actually predate and influenced that show themselves, such as the legendary Kitchen Sisters — and still, much of of its output is completely impossible without This American Life and the way it opened up audio storytelling to new vistas. This is true of Radiotopia’s flagship show, 99% Invisible, which as broadly about “design”, but is largely about its own production and sound design; it’s true of Phoebe Judge’s Criminal, which is a great true crime show that comes out of North Carolina; and it is especially true of Benjamen Walker’s Theory of Everything, an indescribably weird catchall show that encompasses science fiction, philosophy, futurism, tech industry inside baseball, autobiography, and more straightforward narrative storytelling.

2. Benjamen Walker and the Auteur Theory of Audio

    As Walker freely admits, Theory of Everything is a show that cannot be easily packaged, pitched, sold, or advertised. Recent episodes include:

    + “The Future”, which features an interview with a tech journalist who may have been the inspiration for an old TV show of which Walker is a fan.

    + “A light touch and a slight nudge” [sic], including fiction about Donald Trump as CIA plant, and nonfiction about conspiracy theories and why people believe them.

    + A series called “Instaserfs”, in which ToE intern Andrew Callaway — who may or may not actually be an intern — takes a series of “sharing economy” jobs in the Bay Area, including driving an Uber, delivering food, and doing duty as a manservant. This is then followed up by a definitely fictional storyline in subsequent episodes in which Callaway becomes an instacelebrity for his exploits.

    + Another series called “Dislike Club”, which is basically about what a horrorshow the internet is.

    You can see why the show is hard to describe. It’s discursive and uneven; the fictional aspects, in particular, tend to be less effective than the rest of the show. But it is undeniably fascinating, and it appears to be the product almost entirely of Walker’s warped imagination — well, that, and his ability to find interesting stories in strange corners of the world.

    One of the things I find interesting about it (and several of the other shows on Radiotopia) is that it is clearly intended to have one, specific author, in a way that even This American Life, whose guiding light was always the inimitable Mr Glass, never did. Walker finds the stories, he conducts the interviews, he edits the tape, he digs up the music, he does the sound design, and he writes the narration, which veers between philosophical musing, memoir, and speculative fiction, often in the course of just a few lines. The only way I can think to describe this is the squishy, nonspecific word sensibility, which I often try to avoid because it seems to me like a bullshit dump. Walker’s sensibility drives the show’s twists and turns. His level of inspiration seems to dictate the production schedule. He usually churns out a new episode every two weeks . . . or every three weeks . . . or every month or so . . . it’s hard to tell. This is actually a model that kind of only works with, not only an on-demand form of media consumption, but one like podcasting, where several episodes can pile up in a row and not take up too much time or space for you to ever catch up.

    I was talking (well, kibbitzing on Facebook) with some friends about authorship and why people are so desperate to believe in it when it comes to works of collaborative art. (The convo was inspired by Beyoncé’s new record, Lemonade, but equally it could have been inspired by pretty much any movie ever made, or This American Life, or any of a number of other things.) Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t really have a lot of use for most postmodern theory, and I don’t take “the death of the author” particularly seriously; but it is true that in our perpetual search for that elusive (and probably non-existent) concept, authenticity, people really, really want to impute works of art to a single creator if at all possible. I think this probably has something to do with evolutionary psychology and our need for clean, cause-and-effect stories that flatter the instincts that keep us alive (and allowed us to build this culture we all dig on so much in the first place). I have some tedious thoughts on what this may or may not have to do with various notions of God that I won’t bore you with, but suffice it to say that it seems to me that people are looking for a single creator almost as soon as they’re aware that something has been created.

    I think this has done a lot of damage over the years, including the radical disempowerment of the screenwriter in filmmaking.** It’s also done many great things, including empowering writer/directors to take control of a medium was once engineered and make corners of it creative. It’s a really complicated move, and I could probably write a whole book about it that nobody would read. But what I find interesting is that it’s only just now starting to crop up in audio.

**NB that I’m the brother of a screenwriter, so I may not be wholly impartial here.

    While on the one hand I think this has some bad effects — the conflation of Ira Glass with his show in the popular imagination has really taken a lot of credit from a lot of creative people who helped him make the show what it was, as Glass would probably tell you himself — it also indicates, I think, that the genre is growing up a little bit, and people are starting to take it seriously. It’s right there in the title of Walker’s show, the full name of which is Benjamen Walker’s Theory of Everything. On the one hand, this title is completely tongue-in-cheek, as no doubt the diffident and modest Mr Walker would avow. At the same time, it’s an accurate representation of the way the show is sculpted and directed, as Walker himself, irrespective of whether or not he ever really had an intern, is definitely ToE’s homo magnus and guiding light in a way that even Glass couldn’t be at TAL.

3. Radiotopia and the Theory of Everything

    The interesting thing that Radiotopia does that Gimlet doesn’t is treat its creators as artists, more or less. I have no doubt that Alex & PJ at Reply All, or Starlee at Mystery Show, genuinely do operate their shows largely as they see fit; but at the same time, they are indelibly Gimlet, always accessible, chatty, music-rich. I don’t want to denigrate these shows, because Reply All in particular may be my very favorite show currently going; but they are recognizable, and they’re similar.

    On Radiotopia, the auteur is regent. Walker’s show sounds nothing like Nick van der Kolk’s Love + Radio, which sounds nothing like Lea Thau’s Strangers, which sounds nothing like Nate diMeo’s Memory Palace. Much like Theory of Everything, each of those shows defies classification, other than that it has a controlling creative consciousness who runs the show (with some subordinates). Even the more clicky, pitchy shows, like 99% Invisible, offer unique sounds that are related to, but not the same as, the obviously TAL-inspired fare available on Gimlet, or on public radio shows like Planet Money or Invisibilia. I sometimes wonder how they make their money; the product is much harder to market than Gimlet’s, which I think both the Gimlet guys and the Radiotopia guys would tell you they’re proud of. But I’m glad they’re around.

Recommended episodes of Benjamen Walker’s Theory of Everything:

New York After Rent” — about Air BnB, the musical Rent, and the gentrification of NYC

Secret Histories of Podcasting” — three versions of how the podcast became an artform

Dark Karma” — an extended interview with a man who grew up in a cult

Crazy / Bernie Sanders People on Reddit

1. Crazy

    About a week ago I was standing in the shower and I had a realization: I’m not feeling particularly anxious or self-loathing right now. I imagine for a lot of people this wouldn’t be any kind of revelation or exciting news, but for me it was, because it hadn’t been true for a long time. So long that I can’t even remember when the last time was that I moved through the world untroubled by those feelings, and a bunch of other, related ones that orbit around them. Years, many. It seems like maybe 7 or 8, though that feels impossible when I think about it. Had I really woken up every single morning for 7 straight years feeling what I would characterize as crazy? How was that possible?

    My particular form of mental illness is insidious because of its changability. Every now and again — it seems like it happens every year or so — I fall, unpredictably and completely, into an arid, desperate place of utter despair, and stay there for a brief period. Sometimes it lasts a few days, sometimes a few weeks. Though this is the disease at its most acute, it’s also strangely less terrible, because it’s descrete, identifiable, and eventually it’s over. Don’t get me wrong, it’s horrible — it feels like my brain is dying while my body lives on — but because I can name it, and know it, I’m comfortable with it. Far more dangerous is the chronic state of low-grade unhappiness and anxiety, punctuated by intrusive thoughts of shame and embarrassment, only occasionally alleviated by a few hours of placidity and optimism. The reason it’s dangerous is that I often don’t notice it; it’s bad, but it seems normal, and therefore eternal. It’s paralyzing, and characterized by a constant awareness of time passing at a terrifying rate. I wasn’t even quite aware of how long this had been going on until it went away.

    Now I get up in the morning and I feel basically fine. Hours and hours can go by without suddenly being brought up short by constant self-criticism or terror that pretty soon I’m gonna be old and then I’m gonna die and I will have wasted my entire life on bullshit. It’s weird, but I keep thinking, Is this what other people feel like all the time? Is this what it’s like to be normal? If it keeps up for very long, a lot of my assumptions about how the world actually works are going to have to change, I think. If you guys all walk through the day just dealing with one thing and the next and not living in a state of constant morbid fear or paralyzing anxiety, a lot of guesses I had made about human nature turn out to be completely wrong. The capacity for both sympathy and empathy is limited by lived experience.

 

2. Bernie Sanders People on Reddit

    Are fucking crazy. They’ve reached a point where most of them have realized that the primary is going against them, but they just cannot believe that more people don’t agree with them. So many of them have retreated into a sort of fantasy land where shady forces far too powerful for mere regular people to reckon with control everything. Every time someone refers to Hillary Clinton as “a bitch” — that’s a paid Clinton shill, trying to make them look bad. Every time a poll comes out showing their candidate behind, it’s a part of a media conspiracy to keep Sanders’ ideas down. In fact, almost everything is a part of a media conspiracy. It’s a loop of illogic that you can’t penetrate, no matter how hard you try. Lay out the obvious case, and you’ll have a lot of people lay into you: “The Media” is far too large and heterogenous to expect a consistent bias for or against one candidate, you can say, and they’ll just tell you that they’ve been bought off by their paymasters. “The Media” is a group of businesses that want to make money, and the best way to make money is to cover competitive races with a lot of dogfighting and clicky stories, you can say, and they will come back with some nonsense about how rich people prefer Hillary Clinton. Most members of “The Media” are underpaid, overeducated white people who are in constant fear for their jobs, making them natural Sanders supporters, you can say, and they’ll scoff. You can ask, Do you really believe in a hyper-competent, massive conspiracy to rig polling and elections in 30 states, one with an omerta so powerful that nobody has blabbed about what would be the biggest, juiciest story in political history since Watergate, and if you do, why didn’t they just rig Iowa and New Hampshire to run Sanders out of the race before he could build up any steam? And they’ll shrug.

    The longer I observe politics, the more obvious it’s become that the most powerful force in collective action is allegiance to a team, and belief that the other team is both bad and not likely to win. It’s difficult to believe that any member of your team would do anything wrong, and it’s hard to believe that all the work you’ve put in for your team isn’t going to pay off. Because you’ve bought in on the team identity, its arguments have come to seem self-evident to you. When you bump up against the cold reality that other people don’t find them self-evident at all, most people’s first response will be to vilify the other. They are, after all, on the bad team. They must be cheating. Or it must be the officiating. What it cannot possibly be is that the things that seem obvious to me are just a series of subjective opinions.

    The internet makes all of this worse. In real life, a lot of my friends are Sanders people — though not as many as you would expect, in a place like Portland; I think I’m attracted to a certain mindset in people that leads to a streak of independence and an unwillingness to go all-in on ideologues and purity campaigns. But it remains true that Portland is in the bag for Sanders, and I remain friendly with all the same people I’ve been friendly with, not least because talking to people face-to-face reminds you of their humanity. Talking to people on Reddit absolutely does not. It cloaks other people’s humanity in nude language, often language used badly by people who are writing in haste and / or don’t know how to communicate very well via the written word. It rewards quick put-downs, and its system of voting comments up or down gives an easy tool for dogpiling on the other. Go on the Sanders subreddit, and you’ll find some reasonable people. But mostly you’ll find dead-enders — people who still believe that somehow, through some magic, he’s gonna come back and win (a lot of these people have started to take refuge in the idea that Clinton will be indicted, which is the kind of flight of fancy that used to be the exclusive purview of the right); people who will tell you with a straight face that voters in the south don’t matter, Bernie has the momentum, Bernie is electable (perhaps the funniest of the various delusions that get handed around the various Sanders echo chambers on the left), and that superdelegates should pick him irrespective of the primary results (thereby proving once again that the USA doesn’t give a shit about black people, I guess, but most people haven’t thought about that angle); and people who believe with the iron bands of faith that this election was stolen, full stop.

    I know I shouldn’t argue with those people; no one’s gonna change anybody else’s minds. But it pains me to see people with good intentions go so far astray, not least because I think that their candidate's ideas are probably the future of American liberalism (or, well, a slightly more realistic version of those ideas). I still think that in 8 or 12 years you’re going to get a true liberal Reagan — what a lot of us wishcasted for Obama, sigh — who’s going to come onto the scene with ideas very similar to Bernie’s, but with a look, sound, and campaign that more reflects America, and that person is going to shock a lot of people by winning. It’s going to take a lot of hard work, of the institutional kind, the kind that the right did for 16 years that brought the once-thought-crazy ideas of Barry Goldwater into the White House in 1980. But I think people on the left are finally waking up to that fact. Sanders showed there was a constituency for the stuff; the problem is that a lot of people (like me) who are sympathetic to his message flatly didn’t believe that he could get any of it done. Change does not happen in one big wave election. I know people hate to hear that, but it’s true. Political identities (like most other identities) tend to calcify in your early 20s, and they’re very resistant to change after that. That’s why Sanders’ overwhelming support among young people never really spilled over — older people weren’t going to just up and quit believing what they’ve always believed in order to elect some obscure guy with semi-alien ideas who wanted to change, not only the stuff they thought was broken, but all the stuff they liked.

    And that’s the other thing that bugs me, riles me up — the assumption that so many Sanders people had that the reason they were going to win was that all these people who had been living under false consciousness, who had voted for Reagan and Bush and every conservative in between, were suddenly going to come awake to what they actually should believe, just because someone explained to them what that was. It’s insulting, and it belittles people who are already feeling pretty little as it is. I think you have to take what people tell you about their convictions at face value, for the most part. If you want to change those convictions, you have to chip away at them, little by litte, not all in one big flood. If you could do that, they wouldn’t be convictions at all.

Podcast Rodeo #1: Startup

    I’ve decided to start an occasional series here on TOUCHED WITH FIRE DOT AUDIO, called “Podcast Rodeo”, in which I review podcasts I either do or don’t listen to. The reviews will be peripatetic and sometimes unusual; some of these shows are not things I feel like doing a breakdown on, so there will just be a little story, faintly inspired by the show or its hosts. Some might cover more than one show — at last count, I was subscribed to 43 podcasts, from NPR offerings like Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me to obscurities like Scott Carrier’s Home of the Brave.

    This first one, though, is pretty much gonna be a review, based on some thoughts I had while listening to Startup this afternoon, fighting the ever-worsening traffic of NE Portland as I attempted to return the cable box (that’s right, I’ve cut the cord — take that, Comcast). So, without further ado, some thoughts and ideas about Startup and its place in a world it helped create.

The Startup logo, replete with annoying capitalization.

Startup: What Is It?

    Because I’m a podcast hipster, I feel the need to clarify that I’d been listening to podcasts for years before Alex Blumberg left his gig at the NPR show Planet Money (itself the first podcast spinoff of This American Life) to found a podcasting company. I think I first discovered podcasts during the 2008 presidential election, when Slate’s Political Gabfest was in its infancy (more on that at another juncture); Blumberg went solo sometime in 2014, and Startup first hit the internet airwaves that autumn, around the same time as Sarah Koenig’s Serial. Arm-in-arm, the two shows, both helmed by graduates of TAL, ushered in a podcast boom — people had been making podcasts for years and years, some of them quite good, but something about these two shows — and the plugs they received on the radio from This American Life, which aired both show’s pilots in its regular timeslot — woke a whole bunch of people up to just what was possible in audio if what you were doing wasn’t constricted by the FCC, the need to fill exactly an hour between Radiolab and Prairie Home Companion, or the pressures that go along with being officially associated with a stodgy enterprise like National Public Radio or Public Radio International.

    Gimlet and Startup had one huge advantage: the core concept for Startup was completely ingenious. Blumberg decided that what he would do is document the very process of starting the company that would host the show, an act of meta-gonzo-journalism that gave that first season immediacy; Blumberg was doing something risky, possibly crazy, and recording himself doing it as he went. There were cringe-worthy moments as he gave disasterous rehearsal pitches to angel investors; there was genuine pathos as he and Gimlet cofounder Matt Leiber found themselves in the fraught territory that lies between friends and business partners (the first season’s most memorable episode featured Blumber and Leiber’s discomfiting negotiations about who would own how much of a burgeoning company that was still little more than a notion); there were late night conversations between Blumberg and his no-nonsense wife, public radio veteran Nazanin Rafsanjani; and, in the end, there was success — Startup was a runaway hit, and Gimlet rapidly became the gold standard in for-profit narrative audio. The first season of Startup was a memorable listening experience, a sprawling story of real risk and real reward, in which an everyman protagonist comes within inches of failure before succeeding. In the long run, though Serial was a bigger sensation, Startup was a better show.

Growing Pains

    As Gimlet grew, Startup shut down for a while, as Blumberg started hiring people to do other shows (notably the great Reply All), looked for a cohost, and tried to find another company to profile. Last summer, it came back to peer behind the curtain with Dating Ring, a dating website that came out of famous startup accelerator Y-Combinator, which helped incubate Airbnb, Dropbox, and Twitch, among other companies. Blumberg had taken some steps to find a different flavor for the second season, including bringing in Planet Money vet Lisa Chow to cohost, and choosing a company that was owned and operated by young women rather than a pair of middle-aged dudes. Chow has been a welcome addition, more confident and less nebbishy than Blumberg, but also a little more traditional in her role as cohost — she’s never the star of the show, and doesn’t insert herself in the story nearly so daringly as Blumberg did in his first season.

    And therein lies the problem that Startup has had ever since the end of its first season: without the daring conceit that the host himself was putting everything on the line for the very show you’re listening to, it loses a lot of its energy. Startup’s second season is perfectly competent, sometimes far more than that, and the Gimlet guys did a great job of finding real characters to star in it. But it’s not deeply urgent or compelling, not the way that first season was, when some episodes would be taken up largely by a sleepless Blumberg muttering semi-coherent panic thoughts into a microphone while his wife and children slept on the other side of a door. It’s great that the show made moves to include more female voices, but by picking people who were so young, with so much less to lose, and with so much less personal connection to the audience, it lost something.

    I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the show’s best episodes since season 1 were the ones from the little “mini-season” that came out last fall, and which were a sort of status check on Gimlet itself. It pondered the uncomfortable question of the thin line between advertising and endorsement. It tackled head-on the company’s racial dynamics. And, hilariously, it used Chow’s maternity leave as a vehicle to get honest about what a shitshow the company can be.

And What Now?

    This season, the show is clearly suffering from mission creep, at least if you ask me. It was clear that they couldn’t just go out and profile a nother fledgling company; they’d done that twice, and the second time through hadn’t been nearly as much fun as the first. Would they profile a failing company? They’ve been kicking that around, and keep mentioning it, but it hasn’t happened at all. Instead, the first two episodes have been a gimmicky, not-that-great profile of the streaming video company Twitch — the gimmick being that they don’t tell you it’s Twitch they’re profiling until the very end of the second episode, though if you’re a sharp listener who ever had reason to stream TV back in the late 2000s, you’ll have figured it out by the end of the first episode. This story lacked the immediacy of either of the first two seasons, because (A) it’s told entirely in the past tense, and (B) the main characters come off as fairly straightforward tech douches, who think that because they made a billion dollars, anybody in the world can. (Yeah, they all went to Yale and then Y Combinator. Not exactly just “anybody”.)

    Now, Startup is promising to move on to other companies, possibly ones that haven’t fared so well, though I must admit that I’m a little skeptical. The show lost something real when Blumberg ceased to be its main character, and now seems to be casting about for reasons to exist. Maybe the problem, at least for me, is that I’m actually not that compelled by stories of businesses qua businesses — the word entrepreneur is an epithet in my household, and a lot of the people who would use the word for themselves tend to rub me the wrong way. I was on-board because I had an established relationship with Blumberg going back to his days hunting down his childhood babysitter on This American Life, and because the first season was such a high wire act that I was mostly curious about whether he — or anybody — could pull it off.

    Ultimately, I think the problem is that Startup was a brilliant idea for a one-off show, but it is not evergreen at all. The reason Reply All (which bills itself as “a show about the internet”) can continue to churn out great content week after week is that its purview is so broad; “a show about the internet” can be about practically anything, because it’s actually about the people who use the internet, why, and how. Startup has to be about, well, startups. And though no two startups are the same, so far the show has failed to prove that they’re different enough to be interesting, either. Gimlet might do well to retire its flagship show, or only bring it back for the kind of self-reflexive status checks like last fall’s “mini-season”. Because what they’re doing now isn’t really working.

Sonder

    I got off the train downtown in a mass of people and was minding my own business when I saw something that’s still got me upset twenty minutes later. It was a small thing, not ugly or dangerous, not in any way an outrage. That’s not the kind of upset I’m talking about.

    It was a kid — well, a young man. Anyway, it was a college-aged guy, big, muscle-bound, wearing the kind of gym-shorts-and-hoodie outfit that has become de rigeur for a certain kind of teenager these days. You’ve seen guys like him getting drunk at the beach, or making too much noise in a movie theatre, or grab-assing around at the gym when you’re trying to play basketball. But he had his hood up, covering his hair and ears, with the drawstring pulled tight so that it concealed as much of his face as possible. He looked determinedly at a spot not far in front of his feet, and had his shoulders clenched, as though he thought he might be able to hide behind them. There were tears streaming down his face.

    I have no idea who this kid is, or what would have brought him to be weeping on the sidewalk as pedestrians streamed past him on their way to work or class. He clearly didn’t want to be seen by all these people, and he wouldn’t have been crying if he could help it — that much you could tell by his body language. But what was wrong? What could possibly be so wrong on a Tuesday morning?

    A whooshing sonder passed over me as I realized the incomprehensible vastness of his life, and the fact that I was just someone passing through it, the first stranger he saw that morning that he had his heart broken, or heard his mother had died, or his cat got out and ran off, or any of a whole smorgasbord of cataclysms that could have caused him to be in that place at that time, doing what he was doing. What I really wanted was to be able to stop and tell him it was going to be okay, that whatever was troubling him would pass. But of course I couldn’t do that, because I had no idea if it was true.

    Sometimes I think about my own capacity for indifference. Many times in my life I’ve happened upon an emergency and turned away. The most haunting was one time when I was walking late at night through an industrial area in North Portland with a friend of mine, and we heard a woman scream — not a you-spilled-icewater-on-me scream, but the real, jagged, completely immediate cry of someone who is in deep trouble. That night, my friend and I looked at one another, and then we walked away. Whatever was happening to that woman continued to happen.

    Was this moment like that one? I guess not, the more I think about it; I think part of what was so upsetting about this kid’s distress was how obviously embarrassed he was to be out in public with it. If I had stopped to ask him what was wrong I just would have made it worse. I can’t imagine being in his situation and wanting some stranger twice my age asking me if I’m all right. It would, among other things, be humiliating. I can only hope that he’s been able to find someplace where we aren’t all looking at him by now.

Why Your Dog Isn't Special, and Other Thoughts

    There’s a bird that wakes just before dawn and sends its song, solitary and repeating, ringing through the streets of my neighborhood. We get up at about the same time most days, and I do morning things listening to the sharp notes echo from the houses for blocks around. The neighborhood is empty and lies on the side of a hill. I imagine that once it was a forest. When my friend the morning bird and I are the only ones awake, it’s easy to imagine it that way again.

    Living in a city can be like that, these rare moments of solitude a reminder that one day, maybe not that long from now, this will probably be a ruin. And then people awake and the sound of the freeway begins, and before very long all is motion again, and that’s good, too. I don’t think I would like to live somewhere where it was just me and a lonely bird all the time. I would get bored.

    There are disadvantages. Once I found a substantial chunk of human feces crammed into a wax-paper bag of the sort that usually contains crackers. Another time someone smashed out a window from my car and tried to pull out a bike pump. When it wouldn’t fit through the tiny rear side window the thief had smashed, they decided instead to grind out a cigarette but on the car door and drop it in the back seat. At least they didn’t light it on fire for no reason.

    I would swear to you that once, not that long ago, Portlanders kept their dogs on leashes, as is the law. Now, however, everyone seems to have decided that this law is for other people, people whose dogs are dangerous, rather than harmless, like my dog is — irrespective of his enormous teeth and slavering maw, my dog is perfectly polite and well-behaved, thank you very much. Of course, this isn’t true. There is no dog on earth so completely docile that it can be trusted off-leash in a city. The temptations are too many. When I go running, I am one of those temptations.

    This morning I was huffing down the hill on which I live when a black streak bolted across the street after me. A woman had been standing sort of in the vicinity of this black streak back when it was just a dog, but she hadn’t had it leashed, I’m sure because the dog is her pet and she’s sure it’s harmless. It didn’t seem very harmless as it barked raggedly in full fly. It seemed like an animal bred to kill — which at least some of its ancestors most surely are. I went from a discomfited jog to a dead sprint, leaping over an abandoned tricycle, zig-zagging between bushes, trying to keep anything I could find between me and my pursuer. After about a block — lord knows what would have happened if I hadn’t had a head start of several yards — I vaulted over a picket fence and into someone’s back yard, where I landed in a heap in splintery dirt. The dog barrelled head-on into the fence and fell back, stunned. Then, from what sounded like miles away, its owner called its name. The dog stood, snuffled at the fence a couple of times, and then galloped back to her side. Harmless. I mean, I guess I wasn’t harmed.

    In the end, there were some bonuses to this experience. My ankle, which I have been babying and rehabbing and worrying about for fully six months now, felt fine, and continued to feel fine as a I ran several more miles, though there was one close call as I was going down some stairs. According to my Fitbit, I cleared that first mile much more quickly than I normally would, despite several seconds spent lying in a stranger’s yard, contemplating my own mortality. And I managed to prevent myself from following the dog back to its owner to let her know what I thought, on the theory that perhaps she’s learned her lesson, and yelling at her would probably get nobody anything.

    Now a crow is cawing, and other birds go po-tweet-tweet from trees all over, and cars roar by on Division Street, and everything’s basically fine.

The Shuffle

    For about a year now I’ve been trying to write my way out of my life, and into another one. It’s hard to explain what that means, really, in part because it means a lot of things. In some ways it means that I’ve been doing a lot of writing-as-therapy, which can be a good trick but also runs the risk of falsifying the self in the attempt to explain it; going to actual therapy has helped me understand that some of the stories I tell about myself are in many ways not true. In other ways it means that I keep thinking that being good at this can get me out of this interminable rut that I feel I’ve been in since — what? 2011? Jesus, that’s five years ago now. I lost the script in October of my first year of graduate school, so that would be 2011. Anyway, I’m less clear on how being a good writer was supposed to do this, other than that I keep thinking one of these days someone will notice I’m good at it and it will validate my entire existence, which of course is a silly and destructive thing to hope for. But there you have it. Stringing sentences together, at this moment in time, feels like literally the only thing in my life. The rest is flat, meaningless tedium. It’s driving me insane.

    The most recent bout of insanity started on Friday, when I spent the entire day sitting in a chair either watching basketball or playing video games, and then discovered (not surprisingly) that when night came around I couldn’t sleep. I lay in bed for hour upon hour. I read for a while, I watched TV for a while, I stared at the ceiling and thought about my life (such as it is) for a while. Then, eventually, the sun came up. After some time there was really nothing to be done but get out of bed. So I got out of bed. Then, of course, I had nothing to do. So I went back and sat in the chair and played video games some more. Eventually there was more basketball on TV. I managed to go to the gym. And then it was night again, and once again I could not sleep.

    This is where it becomes completely clear that writing is not really a solution to most problems. At about 2 in the morning, going on 40 hours of constant wakefulness, I pulled out my computer and gave a run at writing about insomnia. The problem with insomnia, however, is that it doesn’t preclude the condition of tiredness — it just means that the body and / or brain (usually brain) will not shut down enough to allow for sleep. I managed to eke out a couple of paragraphs about why I think I can’t sleep (it has to do with an intolerance for silence) before I began to feel explosively, delusionally weird. I was having difficulty keeping track of what was real and what wasn’t. I got focussed on the name of a character from Parks & Rec: Shauna Mulwae-Tweep. It’s a funny name, and I sat in bed with my word processor open, thinking to myself, Shauna Mulwae-Tweep. Sometimes it made me giggle, and sometimes it made me feel weirdly lonely and sad. And then, abruptly, I became aware of how insane it was making me feel.

    And then the bottom fell out of my bed.

    I heard the sound of wood creaking, then splitting, and then the new bedframe I just bought collapsed on itself, sending me, the mattress, my pillows and blankets, and the cat plummeting to the ground, where we all arrived, more or less intact and healthy, with a thud. In another frame of mind I might have cried out, or tried to fix it, or something. Instead I just picked myself up, walked into the living room, lay down on the couch, and typed a status update on Facebook: Shauna Mulwae-Tweep. Eventually I managed to pass out for a couple of hours. Yesterday was an unfolding catastrophe of tiredness and irritability. I wrote a series of irate emails to Overstock.com, the company that sold me my bedframe, finally demanding that they give me $24.95 so that I could purchase an axe and dismantle the bed they sold me, in order to return it to them “in a similar package” to the one they sent it to me in, as per their request. They haven’t replied yet.

    I was hoping that sleeping better last night would solve a lot of this, but as of right now, that hasn’t been the case. The chief symptom of the brokenness in my life is loneliness, a loneliness that seems impervious to companionship or work, that feels like a thousand light years of steel between me and the entire rest of the world. And here again is the failure of my attempt to write my way out of my life: because my life consists largely of blank, flat aloneness, and writing is a solitary activity. If it can be done in company I’ve never figured out how. If it can seek friendship I’ve never seen it happen. It can’t fix your life.

    I try not to spend too much time wallowing in self-pity, both because self-pity is not a good look on a person and because I think wallowing in it tends to make it harder to wash off. But it can be hard when you wake up every morning and there’s no reason to expect that this day will be any different to the one that came before. I’ll be 36 years old in a couple of weeks, and my life makes no sense to me. I can remember when I was half this age, graduating high school, thinking I was looking forward to becoming an adult and figuring out who I was. I worry now that that’s exactly what happened, and what I’ve figured out is that I am a flat, dull person who simultaneously feels intense loneliness and finds most people completely intolerable to be around.

    Fuck. Sorry. I was gonna try to end this funny, but I failed. Now to go off to my shrink’s office and complain about stuff for a while.

The Knock-Knock Plot

    I’m not supposed to go running today. It’s funny, in my life I’ve run a lot — enough to have crossed the country east-to-west at least twice, since I took it up seriously about seven years ago — and I’ve enjoyed it at various times, but never before have I experienced the feeling of wanting to go running, being physically capable of going running, and having to stop myself doing it. Even in my best shape, right before my second marathon, days when I didn’t have to go running seemed to dawn a little earlier and brighter than other ones. The act of running could be enjoyable or exhilarating or fun or painful or exhausting or whatever, but I never, ever looked forward to it. Never stopped myself from doing it. I always had to force myself to do it.

    My perspective on that has changed over the last five months. I wrecked my left ankle jogging down a gentle slope on a seamless sidewalk back in early October. For reasons I have never been able to piece together, I put my foot down sideways, and then brought my entire weight down on it. I couldn’t walk without crutches for a week. I couldn’t walk without pain for a month. For ages and ages, I could hardly do anything at all. It was then that I began to feel jealous of people I saw out running. You know the people — they’re bounding healthily down the street, trim and neon-clad, enjoying the vim and excitement of using the body. I envied these people so completely that it was a physical sensation — I could feel in my legs and arms the urge to run after them. But I couldn’t.

    Sometime in January, about three months after injuring myself, I started running again. I started very slowly — both in pace and in distance — but it never quite felt right. The ankle didn’t hurt, but it felt stiff and weird, and I was scared to go more than three miles or so at a given time. Then, about six weeks ago, I rolled it again. Very gently, and it didn’t hurt much, but it was a reality check. I was not ready to be running. I had to stop. But at least then I had obvious physical symptoms telling me no — stiffness, a little bit of pain. I returned to rehabbing, which involves doing the most absurd exercises in the world: first, you stand on one foot for sixty seconds; then you bend at the knee, still standing on one foot, ten times; then you hop forward and then backward, still on one foot, ten times. Maybe that description doesn’t do justice to how dumb it feels. Because that rehab exercise requires almost not physical exertion. But it is, simultaneously, incredibly hard. You fall over a lot. You look dumb, hands planted on your hips as you play what looks like a version of stationary hopscotch.

    Last week, I decided to give it another go. It had been five months since the injury, five weeks since the re-injury. I had no pain when walking or standing for long periods. Surely it would be fine. Wouldn’t it?

    It wasn’t. The ankle felt weak as I ran, and then throbbed all through the night. I had to stop again. It was reluctant — I went out one more time on it before I decided I had to stop — but I did it. It sucked.

    The major problem with actual life is that it has no plot structure. One’s life can consist of nothing but rising action with no crescendo, nothing but incident without resolution, all denouement without real crisis. People who seem like main characters end up as bit players. The love interest moves back to Pittsburgh, or gets back together with an ex, or is simply surprised to find that you consider them a love interest at all. (Or the unnerving opposite, when you discover that some coworker or friendly acquaintance has cast you in a major role in their life.) People die before they resolve their estrangements. Things get rapidly out of hand and then disappear. You rehab your ankle, and rehab it, and rehab it, and it never really gets better. If this were short story that third try at running would have been lovely, pain-free . . . and then its consequences would have been emotionally devastating, somehow. We call that the knock-knock plot. It’s also a solution for insanity.

    But I went running earlier this week, and for some reason, everything actually was fine. I ran four miles. No pain, no sprains, no lingering ache afterwards. Then I did it again the next day. And again yesterday. Which is how I find myself here: there is no immediate, physical reason why I shouldn’t go running today. Everything feels fine — better than fine. Great. I can finally take pleasure in the movement of my legs again.

    But. I have been told again and again: the easiest way to re-injure your ankle is to over-exert yourself when you come back. (Second-easiest: give up on rehab when you feel better, which . . . yeah, I’ve been doing that, too.) I have to stay off it. I have to stay off it today so I can use it tomorrow. And it’s driving me insane.

A Peripatetic List of Words I've Looked Up, Political Edition

palingenesis — rebirth or recreation; used in philosophy, science, political theory, and theology

    biology — another word for “recapitulation”, the phase in an organism’s development during which it experiences evolutionary change

    theology — reincarnation / baptismal rebirth

    palingenetic ultranationalism— “national rebirth”; one of the core promises of fascism.             Palingenesis in this context is often achieved through violence.

 

    I saw a video today of a widely-known and -respected photographer named Christopher Morris getting choke-slammed to the ground by a man in a gray suit, as a crowd of white people screamed in orgasmic ecstasy. It’s hard to tell, in the video (or the various others of the moments preceding and following it), if the crowd is cheering for the assault on Morris, the ejection of some black American activists that happened moments earlier, or something else entirely — something said by the man who was the reason for the occasion, Donald Trump. Morris, who works for Time magazine, is a willowy man in his mid-50s who is well-known on the campaign trail, and spent years photographing President George W Bush. In the video, he’s obviously carrying a camera. In a subsequent video, shortly after being allowed to stand, he attempts to demonstrate what was done to him by placing a hand on his assailant’s neck, at which point he is arrested. The Trump campaign says his assailant was a member of the US Secret Service.

    I’m not an historian of anything other than my own life, and I’m certainly not an expert on any political system. I try as hard as I can to be a person who can step back from naked partisanship and see the bigger picture; this is made easier by the fact that I hold heterodox liberal views, meaning there’s basically no group for me to get my identity conflated with in order to obviate choice or annihilate the need for critical thought. I also try, as much as I can, to be cautious about change — the people who promise it, the scope of its possibility, the labels it receives. Unlike a lot of my friends, I was never disillusioned by Barack Obama’s inability to remake the federal government in his own liberal, technocratic image — because I never believed he would. I’m not stating this litany in order to make myself look better or smarter than other people, though I will admit that in my smuggest moments sometimes I do feel that way. It’s mostly about trying to avow my neutrality, to get you to see that I am not, as a rule, one of those lefties who believes that conservatives drink the blood of liberal babies. Because what I’m about to say is going to feel a little bit like that, I suspect.

    In the course of the last few months I have run across the word palingenesis a couple of times, and eventually jotted the above notes on it into a big file I have on my computer called WORDS I’VE LOOKED UP. Most of these words come from the lapidary phrases penned by literary docents, and I keep them so that sometimes I can page through them and feel a certain weltschmerz about my waning on-command vocabulary and how it doesn’t measure up to Zadie Smith’s or David Foster Wallace’s. But palengenesis kept coming up when I was reading about Fascism — real, big-F Fascism, of the sort practiced by Benito Mussolini, Francisco Franco, and Adolph Hitler. I was reading about Fascism for the same reason that a lot of people have been reading about Fascism lately: Donald J Trump seems like a bit of a fascist.

    Despite its dire connotations, palingenesis actually helped me maintain a grip on that cautious, skeptical-of-change nature I was talking about before. Make no mistake, Trump’s “politics” (if that’s what you call his unerring instinct for saying what some people want to hear and convincing them that this is somehow an act of bravery) are ugly and dangerous, and there’s a convincing argument to be made that he’s the inevitable result of the white identity politics that the Republican Party has been playing footsie with at least since the days when Nixon was developing the Southern Strategy.* But one of the tenets of Fascism, as practiced both by Mussolini and Hitler, was that they and their parties would bring about a sort of national rebirth — and not just a national rebirth, but a rebirth occasioned by political violence, often in the form of ethnic cleansing. Hitler, popularizing the Dolchstosslegende, or stab-in-the-back myth, asserted that the First World War had been lost, not through the German Command’s various tactical and strategic blunders, not because the Central Powers were vastly out-numbered and out-resourced, not because they awoke the sleeping giant that was the USA, but because lily-livered pantywaists back home chickened out — and these lily-livered pantywaists were, largely, Jewish bureaucrats who didn’t really feel any loyalty to Germany. Germany would be reborn through the violent expulsion or incarceration of such subversives. Eventually expulsion and incarceration devolved into outright murder. And, whatever else you could say about Donald Trump’s various ugly lies and panderings, he was not calling for violence. Palingenetic ultranationalism, one of the core tenets of Fascism, was not a part of his deal.

*Note: links to a Washington Post op-ed written by Robert Kagan, a prominent Neocon who has been slipping left ever since John McCain decided that Sarah Palin was a plausible candidate for national office.

    But the more I watch things like the orgiastic reaction that Trump’s crowds have had to violence — Morris is just the most recent in a long line of people to have come a-cropper of Trump partisans or paid thugs — the more I worry about it. Trump appears to have no fixed ideology other than Trumpism. Though he appears to me to be a fatuous gasbag, he’s managed to build a sort of cult of personality around himself as a compulsive truth-teller and caller-out of bullshit (irrespective of the fact that his “truths” are, in fact, meaningless pablum usually shot through with lies, and there is no bigger bullshitter than himself). He clearly lives for those cheers and screams; without them, he would have no concept of himself. I’ve come to believe that, if he saw the opportunity to accrue more adulation by proposing a program of ethnic and/or political violence, he would do it. He has no shame, or limits, or sense of responsibility to his nation or the world. His desperation for adulation would be sad if it hadn’t become so dangerous. He’s already promising the rebirth — “make America great again”, he says, as though America’s greatness were not, in fact, still completely self-evident in most respects. The US is a nation troubled by economic divides, bad crime policy, and a dipshit system of government, but it is still unequivocally the largest economic, military, and cultural power on the planet. The things Trump claims to want to do — like push people around in trade negotiations — are things we’re already doing. He lives in a dreamy paper world, constructed by the heirs of Nixon’s Southern Strategy, in which increasing diversity and the empowerment of the disenfranchised somehow equates to decline rather than massive progress. When the rebirth one promises largely involves the re-subjugation of troublesome minorities, the call to violence against those minorities is just on the other side of a door. All he needs do is open it.

    I know some people on the left who say that Marco Rubio is “just as dangerous” as Donald Trump; some who fear Ted Cruz because he seems competent where Trump is, as mentioned above, a fatuous gasbag. I don’t have much interest in living in a world constructed by either of those men and the parties they would lead, either, but I think the equation isn’t balanced. Trump’s lack of experience with the traditional levers of power could thwart him; perhaps the Republican Party could co-opt him, as some reports have suggested. My instincts run that way myself; I suspect he would be an embarrassing, ineffectual President, possibly even one who got impeached within a few years of taking office. But there are far more dangerous possibilities in there, too. A man who wishes only to build a cult of personality around himself will have no compunction about simply obliterating the traditional levers of power. Mussolini and Hitler both came to power toting with them paramilitary groups that allowed them to enforce policies that were not, in fact, hugely popular, through brute force. Military leaders could, as one article I saw suggested, refuse to follow his orders — but the white identity politics he plays with appeals to a group of people htat is heavily armed, and ready for a guerrilla action against the federal government already. And even if Trump does not use the militia movement as an impromptu Schutzstaffel, do we really want to live in a country where the military no longer responds to civilian control? I don’t. An America decapitated in a coup is only marginally better than one dominated by a minority of Trumpists and their arsenals.

    Robert McNamara, who had a lot of opportunity to contemplate both nuclear war and human fallibility, once told the documentarian Errol Morris, “the indefinite combination of human fallibility and nuclear weapons will destroy nations.” A modified version of this is why I think Trump is a far more dangerous phenomenon than any more traditional conservative candidate, little though I agree with those people’s political views. It’s possible that we could just let Trump keep going, assuming that eventually he’ll implode, or run up against the limits of his own self-regard, or get lucky and not fuck it up too badly. But that strikes me as an incredibly irresponsible way of looking at things. The indefinite combination of Donald Trump and political power will eventually destroy this nation. Maybe we’ll get lucky, and he’ll lose in the general election. Or he’ll come to heel once he realizes what’s involved in the Presidency. Or he’ll bow to Congress. Or he’ll listen to his military advisors. Or he’ll have a heart attack from the stress. Or any of a number of other things. But do we really want to gamble on that?

Zero to Sixty

    Turns out family is complicated. I want to say, “the bigger it is, the more complicated a family is,” but I’m not sure that’s always true, really — some of the most-complicated families I’ve known have been relatively small. I also don’t think the Anna Karenina principle is all that accurate, either: even happy families are complicated and weird. I know mine is.

    My mom’s younger brother died yesterday. We weren’t close. In fact, we were about as un-close as it was possible for two guys who lived 20 miles apart and shared a lot of ancestors to be. This morning, I was on the phone with my mom, and we were trying to suss out when the last time we saw him was. She said she’d seen him three years ago, at a funeral. It was his birthday. The encounter was brief. Me? I think the last time I saw him was at a wedding, in about 2003 or ’04. We were both a little drunk.

    Why weren’t we close? Part of it is that I’m just not close with people, really. Part of it is that he teased me when I was a kid, I think because he noticed I was extremely suceptible to teasing and the whole galaxy of older-male behaviors that it lives in; I would turn red, and yell, and eventually come to the point of tears. I still don’t like it very much; when people feel like they have the right to fuck with me it pisses me off. I’m not completely sure on the chain of causality there, but the waters run swift and deep on that one. And then, beyond my own borderline sociopathy and our fraught relationship as young people (he was still in high school when I was born), there was some very heavy business between him and the rest of his siblings, business I’ve never quite understood. I’m not going to go too deeply into that, because it feels disrespectful to plumb those depths so soon after his death, but suffice it to say that I was not unique in being largely estranged from him.

    When I was young, and he still lived at my grandparents’ house, my uncle had a cat he’d named Cookie. Cookie is also my mom’s name (well, nickname, really, but it’s what everybody calls her). This was no mere synchronicity. In the way of many big families, the older kids in my mom’s generation were tasked with stewardship over younger ones, and my uncle came under my mom’s care. They enjoyed one another’s company so much that when a stray cat wandered up to the back door, my uncle named her in tribute to my mom. I’ve been told that when she came home from college, the first thing she would do was huddle with her little brother and exchange all the important news of their lives. Maybe that’s why he teased me so relentlessly — I took his place. Or maybe that’s reading to deeply into the business. I don’t know. Anyhow, I’ve tried to put myself in my mom’s shoes, and in my uncle’s shoes, to understand what it would be like to have a relationship that was once so close go poof one day. And then to have the possibility of ever getting it back foreclosed. I have the good fortune to have difficulty imagining that.

    This is all by way of saying that I can’t properly eulogize the man, because I didn’t really know him anymore. When he was young he was famously devil-may-care about everything — money, time, goals, girls, you name it. In pictures he has a big shock of wavy, reddish-blonde hair, and is usually in some surreptitious way having a joke: in the one I remember best, he’s riding shotgun in my dad’s convertible VW Bug, smiling along with the rest of the crew . . . with his right hand dangling down below the door, so that only the camera can see his middle finger proudly extended. I always thought that picture was funny. There was an aspect of the lovable scamp about him in those days. He was often grinning in a way that indicated he knew something you didn’t.

    I can’t imagine that being a fun-loving rebel was the easiest thing to do in the house he grew up in; he was the only son of a big, tough, difficult, and very successful father, who was known to have little time for bullshit and time-wasting. In that kind of an environment, actively pursuing bullshit and time-wasting becomes something noble, I think. There actually is value in letting older people know that you don’t care about their rules and refuse to live by their standards. Even if you eventually become one of them, as my uncle did, as I am doing, as we all should be so lucky to do.

    Funny how I asserted at the beginning that Tolstoy was wrong about happy families, and then went on to detail the ways in which my family, which I think of as mostly a happy one, was in some ways not happy at all. I don’t know. I guess don’t think happiness is binary, or something.

    But anyway, today I’m remembering my uncle, who died yesterday, aged just 53. He was an imp and a joker, the son of a tough father, the younger brother of five sisters, the father of two daughters. I always believed that our estrangement would end one day; today I mourn the fact that it didn’t. Super perfundo, RWC. You are missed.

My Eyes! They're Berning!

1. A short history of feeling the Bern.

    I’m fairly certain the first time I voted for President, I voted for Al Gore, though I might equally have voted for Ralph Nader — I don’t remember. It didn’t really matter; Gore took LA County by something like 50 points, and California as a whole by nearly 12. I, and every single person I knew, could have voted for Bart Simpson and it wouldn’t have made a whit of difference. This is one of the great frustrations about being an American voter, of course. In a country this enormous, it’s hard enough to convince yourself that your vote matters. (Mostly because it actually doesn’t, really. People are reduced to absurdist tautologies like, “You can’t complain if you don’t vote!” to keep themselves motivated.) When you live in the places I’ve lived — Portland, Los Angeles, the Bay Area, Brooklyn, Minneapolis, even small-town Bend — it feels doubly that way. I’ve never lived in a Congressional district in which the outcome wasn’t a foregone conclusion. In 2000, my Representative was Maxine Waters. She received almost 87% of the votes in my district, including mine. I’ve never lived in a state that was competitive in a Presidential election year — the closest I came was Minnesota in 2012. Obama won it by 7 points and more than 225,000 votes.

    In 2004, I volunteered for the Dean campaign. I look back on that experience — which was mostly disorganized and ridiculous — as a harbinger of much of what was to come. Dean’s campaign was driven largely by opposition to the Iraq War, which was the great, unrepresented policy position in the election that year; Democrats were so cowed by GW Bush’s ability to manipulate the public with the memory of 9/11 that it seemed like they’d never seriously considered mounting a candidate who opposed it. Ultimately, they opted for John Kerry, largely because many party doyens believed his military record would inure him to attacks suggesting he was weak; this didn’t work. Kerry lost a winnable election. Dean never got close to the nomination.

    By now, you’ve heard about Dean’s revolutionary use of the internet, the way he built a donor base of small, committed activists who would give him 20, 50, 100 bucks at a time. That was a huge deal. But I think it misses a big part of what was really happening: I, like many of the dreaded Orange Hats who tottered around Iowa and New Hampshire knocking on doors and generally (it turned out) annoying people with our zeal for our candidate, was very young then. Not yet twenty-four years old. I think, in fact, our youth was a big part of what annoyed people. I get annoyed when kids on the street brace me about political causes. Because of this fact — kids with clipboards are annoying — I think a lot of people misunderstood what was going on. We were dismissed as dilettantes, lefty college kids who would one day come to Jesus and moderate on everything. But that wasn’t it at all. I am right on the cusp of two generations, GenX and the Millenial generation, neither of which I really fit in with. I was born during the waning months of the hapless Carter administration. What people didn’t see about me, and people like me, was that we were the crest of a wave of very liberal young people who were raised in an increasingly diverse world and taught at every turn that acceptance of difference was perhaps the paramount value for existence in America. Our parents, without realizing it, were indoctrinating us with values that a lot of them didn’t quite agree with.

    The Dean collapse was inevitable, and looking back with 20/20 hindsight, I think he probably would have been beaten fairly handily in a general election. What I hadn’t realized yet — what I think a lot of people may never realize — is that you don’t win elections by condescending to the electorate. Even if you genuinely believe that your ideas are much better than those of other camps (and I still believe that Dean was probably closest to the right guy to actually lead the country), no amount of explaining yourself to them is going to change their minds. You can’t lecture your way into office, no matter how much it seems like you probably should be able to. Genuine political change happens slowly. But what Dean did is put an idea out in the world. It entered the conversation. And instead of being the subject of a lecture, it stewed in the morass of American culture.

 

2. A quick lesson in the difference between us and them.

    My memories of my childhood, like many people’s, are fragmentary, but one of my most vivid ones is of a day when I was nine. There was a little neighborhood store not far from our house, and my mom had taken me there to do some shopping. They had a big stack of newspapers that they kept on a stand next to the front door. On the cover, a bunch of people were tearing hunks out of a giant concrete structure. When we got to the meat counter, my mom and the butcher had a lot to say to one another. I didn’t quite get it, but it piqued my interest — my best friend’s stepmom was from West Germany, and this news was about West Germany.

    This is the fall of the Berlin Wall, as I imagine you’ve already guessed. Over the next few years the Soviet Union collapsed — I still remember seeing the tanks on the news when the Soviet hardliners tried to take down Gorbachev — and Germany reunified. Yugoslavia literally Balkanized. We talked a lot in class about how if you bought a globe it might be out-dated by the time you got it home. (These were the days when you actually went to a store to buy things like globes. Weird, right?) I sort of half-understood it, but I found it all very interesting. And then it was (at least for us here in the USA) all over. Communism blew away like leaves in a warm autumn wind, leaving behind only detritus like Cuba and North Korea. (Yes, I’m aware that those two countries are not really comparable. This is about “Communism” more than it is about actual Communism.) By the time I was old enough follow electoral politics closely, the Cold War was a dead letter. Over. Done. We had won.

    Keep in mind, then, that people my age are probably the very youngest people who have any memory of these events at all. My younger brothers don’t remember the Berlin Wall. There are people who are old enough to vote now who were born in Bill Clinton’s second term — who aren’t old enough to remember 9/11. Communism is a fact of history to those people. You can no more frighten them with the spectre of Soviet aggression then you can convince them that Nazism poses an existential threat to Western democracies these days.* Hell, the first time I registered to vote, I think I listed my party as communist, with a small c. That was basically a lark, as far as I was concerned. It certainly struck no fear in my heart.

* NB that I believe we would all do well to be a little more worried about creeping fascism in our politics, here and abroad.

    For generations, the vague association of socialism with Communism has so tainted the discourse that the mere word “socialist” is held to be a deadly epithet in many circles. We’ve all heard it used as a weapon against Barack Obama — “He’s a socialist!” is a common refrain among the President’s opponents. But, notwithstanding the fact that it’s obviously not true, most of the people who grew up in a post-Soviet world respond to that accusation with this question: So the fuck what? Freed of the bugaboo of the USSR, the way in which American politicians got economic ideas all wrapped up with political and military ones, there’s a whole generation of people who can evaluate socialism for what it is, for how it has worked in other completely free countries. And a lot of them seem to think, Hey, not a bad idea. Irrespective of whether they’re right or not, these people can vote. And it would be a mistake to dismiss them as kids who will come to Jesus — a lot of them are adults, with jobs, families, and well-worn political beliefs, ones which don’t appear to be changing.

 

3. Are the kids all right?

    After the Iowa Caucuses this week, a lot of people noticed a striking fact: though Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton came in at something close to a tie — it appears that Clinton is going to win by a razor-thin margin — there was a startling, age-related breakdown in who their voters were: Sanders won 84% of voters under 30, 58% of voters between 30 and 44; Clinton won 58% of voters between 45 and 64; and 69% of the senior citizen vote. Because older people tend to vote more than younger people, this was just enough to carry her over the top. But the difference is notable.

    Explanations were many. On Slate’s Political Gabfest, David Plotz — who is generally a fairly reliable political realist, the kind of non-doctrinaire liberal who can see trends and admit when they’re going wrong for his side — ascribed the split to the idea that, more or less, college kids like to go where the excitement is, and Bernie Sanders is running a much more exciting, fun campaign than Hillary Clinton is. There may be a small degree of truth in this. But it’s also hugely reductive and — I think — largely incorrect. Jemelle Bouie, riding shotgun on that particular Gabfest, immediately pushed back, pointing out correctly that young people weren’t just voting the momentum, but voting for a candidate who was promising things they wanted: a stronger social safety net, the possibility of debt forgiveness, highly liberal stances on social policy. I’d go a step further, actually, and say that all Sanders really has is his cornucopia of leftist positions on these things; Sanders himself is a deeply uncompelling candidate, a haranguer, a grouch, a notoriously rigid asshole whose rhetorical style is not unlike that of many an eccentric grandpa the nation over. He’s not the kook that the Clinton camp would like you to think he is, but he’s not going to win you over with his personality, either. (This is one of several key differences between Sanders and Obama that I think render Sanders a non-starter as a general election candidate, but that’s not really what I feel like getting into here.)

    There’s a lot of anxiety among Democratic mandarins right now, who were surprised by Sanders’ rise, even if it hasn’t been quite as meteoric as his backers would have you believe. This is a version of what happened to HRC eight years ago, when Barack Obama rode a wave of youth and minority support to a stunning upset victory in Iowa and, ultimately, the election. The question is: does this speak to Sanders’ greatness as a candidate (as it clearly did with Obama), or some fundamental weakness in Hillary Clinton? That’s the question I keep seeing asked, over and over again, with the concern being that it’s about some weakness in Hillary Clinton that will cause her to collapse in the general election. (The mirror image of this is that Sanders supporters assert that he is so great that he will win a general election, despite the fact that a huge majority of the electorate simply doesn’t agree with him on hardly anything.) But I think it frames things all wrong.

    In reality, what’s going on is that wave that Obama rode into office is still pounding the beach, boom, boom, boom, as more Millenials become eligible to vote, and as they reach the age at which people become more likely to take part in the political process. If you’ll permit me to over-extend this metaphor, what it seems to me is happening is that Sanders is a far less gifted surfer than Obama, but he’s riding a better board.

    Barack Obama, despite what the right might have you believe, is not really all that liberal, or at least he hasn’t governed as though he is. His healthcare plan is a gross hybrid of warmed-over Republican ideas from 20 years ago, not some socialist plot to force grandma to commit suicide. He tacked gently into a pro-gay-marriage stance when it was clear something close to a majority of the country was already there. His judicial appointments are liberal but not crazily so. He favors free trade.** These are not the stances of a leftist. But he’s an incredibly gifted politician. He had the advantage of having clean hands on the biggest issue of the 2008 primaries, the Iraq War. He’s magnetic. If you vibe with his message, something about him pulls at your heart, every time he’s onstage or onscreen.

** So do I, just so we can get that out there.

    I think a lot of people misread his youth support, in a way that was not unlike how Plotz misread Sanders’ youth support in Iowa this week. Because Obama is so undeniably cool — and he is, handsome, thin, athletic, as comfortable with rap artists as foreign dignitaries — some people thought that this was why young people were coming out to vote for him. Clinton’s campaign has been careful not to get out-cooled this time around, doing things like enlisting the support of young female celebrities to appeal to younger voters. (Not very hard to be the coolest, when your opponents are [as my friend Isaac has put it] someone’s grouchy zayde and the villain from season 4 of The Wire.)

    But Obama is far more than that. He’s not just an inspirational figure, but an aspirational one. The kids who came out and voted for him could see their generation in him. He’s the son of an immigrant, a mixed-race kid raised by his white grandparents far from Washington, a guy who, through wit and skill and luck, rose to the very top of American society. He was not just a very American story (whatever Donald Trump might tell you), but an exceptionally 21st century American story. Nevermind that most of it took place in the 20th century. Millenials could see themselves in him, or what they wanted to be.

    And. Little though he turned out to be a leftist, he was the most liberal practical alternative in 2008. Had that not been true, would that youth vote have materialized for him in the way that it did? I put it to you that Sanders’ ability to capture a large chunk of the electorate, at least in the white and liberal parts of the country, is evidence that the answer is no. Sanders lacks all of Obama’s magnetism, his institutional support, his media mastery, his oratorical skill, and his personal narrative. That’s reflected, I think, in the turnout numbers in Iowa, which are slightly down from 2008. But he has a message that far better fits the audience. (One could — I have — call it pandering). It’s not a message that fits every audience in the Democratic Party. But it fits the young (white) people who vote for him, who have turned out to be far more liberal, far less afraid of socialism, and far more consistent in their views than anybody seemed to expect.

 

4. Some tentative predictions.

    Is this going to be enough to win Sanders the nomination? I gravely doubt it. Boomers still vote more than their kids. People of color have been slow to come around on Bernie, and though I can’t presume to speak for them, I share some skepticism about whether a guy who is maniacally fixated on income inequality really sees the ways in which racism in this country is about much more than money. There are still a lot — a lot — of moderates in the Democratic Party, but almost none of them have voted yet; this is part of being a big tent party in an age when your opposition seems hell-bent on driving everybody out who isn’t a white dude over the age of 40. And here’s the thing: though Clinton is stiff and seems old, Democrats on the whole still really like her. She does have the advantage of being the first woman ever to make a serious bid for the Presidency. This isn’t nothing. In fact, it’s a very great deal. Though Sanders might represent the future of liberalism in America, at the moment he’s still a factional candidate. It’s just a growing faction.

    If he does win the nomination, will he win? A lot of my friends are serious Sanders supporters, and I see a lot of them asserting that, not only can Bernie win, he’s the only one who can win, as though the passion they and their friends feel is somehow going to metastasize into the culture at large. (This is the “political revolution” the Sanders camp keeps talking about.) They will cite, chapter and verse, nonsense head-to-head polls that show Sanders doing better than Clinton against Cruz or Trump. (See here for a cold dose of reality about those polls.) All they know is, if Clinton is the nominee, they’re going to stay home / vote Green / move to Canada. They’re so blind with their love of his message, a message no one else has bothered to enunciate on this stage before, that they can’t see how hopeless it is.

    Because it is. Hopeless. Sanders is not the first, nor will he be the last, candidate to believe that he can turn out a huge swathe of voters who don’t usually vote but almost certainly agree with him. Hell, he’s not the only guy in this election promising to do that — there’s a billionaire from New York on the other side whose whole deal is appealing to disenfranchised working class white people who feel left out. The thing is that it doesn’t happen. I’m not sure those people exist. It’s true that there a lot of people who don’t vote in this country. It’s not a given that those people are natural Sanders voters. I suspect that just as many are natural Trump voters. He’s the one who has staked out political territory that has truly never been explored in this country.

    Sanders would be the farthest-left candidate since . . . at least McGovern, I imagine. And McGovern ran in a country that was far more comfortable with government spending and taxation and a lot of the things that Bernie stands for. What happened to McGovern? He got destroyed. He got destroyed as Mondale did after him and Goldwater did before him. He got destroyed as candidates rightly do when they stand outside the mainstream, hoping that through some form of transubstantiation the mere enunciation of their ideas will turn enemies into allies. Sanders is, as of this moment, way out to the left of the electorate. His destruction would be as inevitable as McGovern’s was.

    Not to say that Bernie’s wasting his time, at least in the long run. One thing he’s done is alert the Democratic Party to the fact that they don’t just get to have the young voters who have won them the last two elections; people (me included) have been talking about the demographic bomb that’s going off in this country without quite accounting for the fact those young, diverse, liberal people aren’t just going to automatically vote for the Democrat in every election. They might stay home. They might, given an alternative more compelling than Bernie, defect en masse to a third party, the way some people did when Ross Perot showed up. One way or another, they’ll have to be reckoned with.

    I suspect — though I don’t know for sure, obviously — that the Democratic Party of the future is the Democratic Party of Bernie Sanders, much more than it is the one of Hillary Clinton. Parties tend to act rationally. They end up where they are because they’re trying to get people to vote for them; someday soon, a person with Barack Obama’s charisma but Bernie Sanders’ ideas is going to show up, and show you can win with those skills and ideas. Just not yet.

 

5. An addendum.

    I’ve seen hand-wringing from all over the left that the Hillary-Bernie primary is getting too nasty, that HRC’s people are crapping on Bernie’s people too much and she’s going to lose them forever and hand the country over to Ted Cruz or Donald Trump or (more likely) Marco Rubio. And I suppose that’s not totally out of the realm of possibility. But it seems to me that this is pretty standard fare for primaries. Things got very nasty between Clinton’s supporters and Obama’s supporters as that campaign dragged on and on and on. Far nastier than they are now. The internecine battles of 2008 split not only along generational lines, but along gender lines, race lines, and none of those weapons stayed in the scabbard. A lot of Democrats tried to blame concern trolls and Republican spies for some of the uglier things that got said in that primary, but I suspect that’s mostly a way of resolving the cognitive dissonance. Which is the key. Somehow, everybody ended up back on the same team.

    The Clinton camp clearly thought that the secret to securing the nomination was to avoid getting sucker-punched by a more charismatic candidate again. They headed off Liz Warren at the pass. John Hickenlooper stayed home. Deval Patrick, too. A lot of people were bemoaning the lack of a deep Democratic bench of the sort the Republicans appeared to have. (I think it’s become clear that that turned out to be more of a clown car than a bench.) But the bench wasn’t shallow; it just wasn’t getting in the game. HRC’s people weren’t too worried about Bernie. After all, he’s even older than she is. How could he ignite the base?

    They’ve got a fight on their hands, now. It’s a fight they’re almost certain to win, but it’s a fight. And I think it’s probably a good thing they have one. Last time around, though she lost, Hillary appeared to learn a lot over the course of the primary. Early on she was stiff, emotionless, seemed a little surprised that anybody would ever give Barack Obama the time of day. By the end, she’d found another gear, one that incorporated both her pugilistic instincts and the fact that, at the end of the day, people wanted to see some humanity out of her, to understand that she was a woman as well as a politician. It’s been eight years since she ran for office, and it was clear early on in this campaign that she was rusty. Bernie’s challenge is doing a number of things, some of them more important than this, but part of what it’s doing is giving Clinton the kind of jolt that she needed, so that rust is less likely to be apparent come the dog days of summer, when she has to go toe-to-toe with the furious Trump, the oleaginous Cruz, or the slick Rubio.

    So good on ya, Bernie. Keep fighting. And to his supporters, I'd say: try to have faith that in the long run, your side will win the war.